While trolling the 'net, a dangerous pastime night or day, I discovered that VH1 has spent the last week doing nothing but cover the ongoing story of how a celebrity named Brandon Davis - "best known for his drunk driving arrest," which, in combination with dating Paris Hilton, seems to be enough for celebration these days - called Lindsay Lohan a "firecrotch."
Never mind that I never heard this story - I hope you never did, either - how is this news? Who in their right mind videotapes some greasy looking kid, whose expression reminds all of us that it's wise to wait at least until puberty to start your drug addiction, getting roaring drunk and ridiculing the former friend of his strangely famous girlfriend, then calls up E! News and sells the tape?* Okay, I would've sold the tape, too - but what the hell makes it newsworthy? I'm pretty sure this doesn't qualify under PICAN.
The story, naturally, gets much worse. Davis, apparently really plastered, also goes on to make some truly horrifying comments about Lohan's crotch, including that her... y'know, let's not go into it. If you're still curious, click on the link.
More bewilderingly, Davis also derided Lohan's wealth, explaining "I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."
The lessons here are three-fold:
1. If you are a dick, or prone to be a dick after a few, and happen to be vaguely famous, don't get drunk near videocameras, cameras, or other people.
2. No matter how bad your press gets, no matter how many pre-teens you flash when you forget to wear underwear - again - on the Kid's Choice Awards**: there's always the off-chance that a wealthy heir will get slobberingly drunk and win the world back to your side.
3. Dating Paris Hilton is a bad idea. Always.
More adept readers might also note that being Paris Hilton is also a bad idea, and if the most stunning insult you can come up with is "firecrotch," you deserve whatever you get. But most importantly, remember: It's summer. Turn off the television. Walk away. It's just not worth it.
* It sounded funnier as a run-on sentence, so I left it. Suck it.
**Alright, I admit, that is still pretty awful.