Thongs on Parade

I was told once that if you go to a European waterpark, everyone - men and women - arrive wearing only a thong. I heard this a long time ago, while still in the throngs of puberty, when such news made Europe sound like a little piece of paradise. Since I was probably only thirteen or fourteen, the story unsurprisingly stuck with me.

Maybe you heard such rumors yourself at a young age. If so, I want to take this moment to relieve you of whatever Bacchanalial images you might have. Fact: a European waterpark is a terrifying thing.

I warn you: do not try to picture this. There are sixty-year-old women in string bikinis. There are seventy-year-old women sunbathing topless. And every single male, from the toddlers to the centurians, are wearing Speedos. Usually thong-style Speedos.

Now, if I were to be parading around often in a Speedo, I would likely pay closer attention to things like my weight, my muscle tone, and the evenness of my tan. While it is to their credit that the Romanians don't hassle themselves with matters like this, it is still the most petrifying sight I have ever witnessed.

I have never been so happy to take off my glasses in my life.