Alright, this time I'm making it all the way through, no matter how badly it goes. I will cut any corner I need to in order to get this done. I will make up any information necessary. I will combine several categories together. I will find a way.
The rules, remember, are this:
A. When it doubt, pick the old guy.
B. When you don’t know which one is the old guy, pick the one who you think is the old guy.
C. When that’s not entirely clear, pick the one with the funniest name.
D. When none of the names are funny, drink until one of the names becomes funny.
E. If that doesn’t work, pick the band you would most like to be in.
F. If you wouldn’t want to be in any of the bands, chose which band you despise so much by virtue of their band name that you would want to see them become the house band in Hell.
G. And finally, if all else fails, pick the band that most reminds you of the world’s greatest band, Bananarama.
Plus, I added a couple rules as it went:
H. No song with unnecessary numbers in it can win a category.
I. No songs with "U" instead of "you" anywhere in them.
J. No one will be selected who has unnecessary "z"s in his name.
K. Vote for any song that can even be tangentially connected with Barack Obama.
However, I felt after writing the first 30, I felt the system needed a minor reboot, so I'm moving K ahead of A, and adding a new rule. It now looks like this:
1A. Above all, vote for any song that can be even tangentially connected with Barack Obama.
2A. At the beginning of every field, you must create a universal voting rule for that field.
3A. After that rule, then you vote for the old guy.
All the rules are the same after that.
31. Best Rap Solo Performance
Lil Wayne is nominated for a song called "A Milli"
32. Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Okay, since this is rap and everyone is always "featuring" each other: Lil Wayne is nominated twice, Jay-Z is nominated twice, Kanye West is nominated twice, and T.I. is nominated twice. I'm gonna pick the song where all of them are nominated together, a song called "Swagga Like Us."
33. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Got Money" featuring T-Pain.
34. Best Rap Song
Lil Wayne is nominated - twice - for "Lollipop" and "Swagga Like Us." Hmm... Well, I'm gonna pick "Lollipop," because I would like to see Wayne get the win for every single song on Tha Carter III. That would have to be some kind of record, right?
35. Best Rap Album
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Tha Carter III."
Wow, that rule took me through this whole category. I need more rules like that one.
Hmm... I don't know much about country, except that pretty much no one new ever comes in, and no one ever leaves. So I'm guessing that I can say that -
New Rule: Carrie Underwood will win all the female awards, Brad Paisley will win all the men's awards, and Rascal Flatts will win all the group awards.
New Rule: There's some fresh-face star I haven't heard about, and he's nominated for a bunch of stuff, and he get selected instead.
New Rule: If some old rocker gets nominated in a country category even though it's clearly an inappropriate nomination, I will vote for that old rocker any time.
Alright, now we're ready to start:
36. Best Female Country Vocal Performance
And... Carrie Underwood is nominated!
37. Best Male Country Vocal Performance
And... Brad Paisley is nominated! No, wait, who's this James Otto guy? I've never heard of him. He must be amazing if he got nominated in this category - Best Male Country Vocal Performance is a good ol' boys' club and no mistake. I'm picking this guy.
38. Best Country Performances By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
And... Rascal Flatts is nominated! No, wait, who's Lady Antebellum? Isn't she (or, I dunno, they?) nominated for Best New Artist? I'm picking her. Or, um, them.
39. Best Country Collaboration With Vocals
And... Robert Plant & Alison Krauss' "Killing The Blues" is finally nominated! It's not even really remotely country, but who cares?
These rules are working out fantastic.
40. Best Country Instrumental Performance
Hmm... Béla Fleck is nominated again, so I might - oh, wait, Brad Paisley is nominated! But wait, there's a song about America and Katrina! That supercedes the rule, because Barack Obama is going to rebuild New Orleans from that flood that George Bush sent to destroy it.
Taking a poll: how soon before there's a crisis of some kind - a hurricane or a shooting or someone runs over a puppy or something - and we see artwork like the kind where it's a painting of the disaster, and there's an overlaid picture of Jesus, and there's a single tear running down his face, only instead of Jesus, it's Obama? I give it a year and half on the outside.
41. Best Country Song
Huh. No Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, and so it's all guesswork. We're gonna have to go to rule 3A - The Old Guy. George Strait it is, with "I Saw God Today." Actually, that might actually apply to rule 1A, too.
42. Best Country Album
Well, still no Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, so back to The Old Guy - George Strait!
I'm actually not sure if George Strait is that old, but he's named "George," so he should be.
43. Best Bluegrass Album
There's a record here called "Cherryholmes III: Don't Believe," and that will win if I ever get to Rule D, so let's just move on
automatically vote for that person.
44. Best New Age Album
Well, I don't have any idea who any of these people are, so I'm gonna pick the album called "The Scent Of Light." Cause if I get to Rule D, that's gonna be funny.
New Rule: Uh... same rule as last time, I guess.
45. Best Contemporary Jazz Album
John McLaughlin. That sounds really familiar. I'll go for that guy. Though I'm probably just confusing him with, I dunno, Sarah McLachlan.
46. Best Jazz Vocal Album
Hmm... both Cassandra Wilson and Kate McGarry sound familiar. Isn't Kate McGarry related to someone else famous? I dunno. Let's go with... Wilson.
47. Best Jazz Instrumental Solo
Hmm... There's two songs named "Be-Bop." I don't know what that means. I'm gonna go with a song called "Son of Thirteen" by Pat Methany. Because none of the rules apply.
48. Best Jazz Instrumental Album
Hmm.. That Pat Methany dude (or, girl, I guess) is nominated again, so let's go with that.
49. Best Large Jazz Ensemble Album
* Appearing Nightly - Carla Bley and Her Remarkable Big Band
* Act Your Age - Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band
* Symphonica - Joe Lovano With WDR Big Band & Rundfunk Orchestra
* Blauklang - Vince Mendoza
* Monday Night Live At The Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra
Huh... I have no concept at all. Let's take a drink.
50. Best Latin Jazz Album
Hey, there's a band called "Papo Vásquez The Mighty Pirates!" Cool!
A category I know!
51. Best Gospel Performance
* I Understand - Kim Burrell, Rance Allen, Bebe Winans, & Mariah Carey
* East To West - Casting Crowns
* Get Up - Mary Mary
* Shall We Gather At The River - Take 6
* Waging War - CeCe Winans
Well, the voters have no idea what they're doing, so it's almost a lock that a song with both Bebe Winans and Mariah Carey will win out, but I'm gonna show a little faith in them. I'm gonna pick Casting Crowns. Prove me right, Grammys!
52. Best Gospel Song
Brandon Heath got nominated for "Give Me Your Eyes." If Brandon does not win this award so that they can give it to Fred Hammond or Kirk Franklin again, I am gonna tear some head off. This one should be a slam-dunk victory.
53. Best Rock Or Rap Gospel Album
Let's honest: the voters have no idea what they're doing. They're gonna give this to TobyMac, or worse, Superchic[k]. The winner should be Sanctus Real, with After Edmund as a runner up. And how great is it that After Edmund got nominated? That's the little band that could. I'm very happy to see them make it this far.
54. Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album
Crud... Chris Tomlin and Brandon Heath are both nominated here - there are two separate TWUMC alumni up for this award! Amazing. I'm gonna say that Chris will win it, because he always does, but I'm feeling good that Brandon's got a very healthy chance here.
55. Best Southern, Country, Or Bluegrass Gospel Album
I dunno. Bart Millard is nominated, which is nice, but his album is called "Hymned Again," which is incredibly lame. If someone sees Bart around, smack him for me. So, let's pick the Gaither Vocal Band! They never win anything, right? They're due.
56. Best Traditional Gospel Album
The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir vs. The Blind Boys of Alabama vs. a bunch of people I haven't heard of. I'll choose the Blind Boys of Alabama. Those guys are cool.
57. Best Contemporary R&B Gospel Album
Sigh, all the normal people are nominated - Kirk Franklin, Mary Mary, and so on - and I guess I'll pick Mary Mary.
And... it's time for bed. Come on! How long can it take to go through one Grammy list?
See you tomorrow.