The 23rd Best Movie I Saw this year: Fast Five

God, this movie is dumb.

At least it knows that it’s dumb. Rejoices in it, really. There’s no part of this movie that is connected to reality. People drive off cliffs and land, hundreds upon hundreds of feet below, in a small river, and come up swimming and spitting water and acting like nothing had happened.

Here, I’ll embed one of the trailers. In this one, the big takeaway line is Tyrese saying “This just went from Mission Impossible, to Mission Freaking Insanity!” Why is that terrible line in the trailers? Because every line in the movie is like that. The dialogue in this movie is simply a collection of one liners, tossed into a bag and shaken, then dumped on a page:


Ridiculous, yes? The whole movie’s like that, except when it’s intercut with horrendously stilted scenes to provide depth. Here’s one where the characters talk about their relationship with their fathers:

You see that? That scene was in this movie. Right after they jump a car off a train. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Some movies are made to be silly, to play endlessly on TNT on weekends, to be mindless drivel. This is a movie that my friends who thought Transformers 2 was awesome found ridiculous. This is a seriously silly movie. But I honestly don’t know if the stars in the movie know it. Listen to Jordana Brewster talk about her character.

Oh, man, guys, this one’s even better. Here’s Gal Godot talking about the movie’s strong female characters.

Ready? Now, here’s her big scene, showing her character’s strength.

This is the best thing since Emmanuelle Chriqui got interviewed about what it’s like to play such a strong, dynamic character on “Entourage.” I really could do this all day, but let’s move on.

The movie builds up to the big climactic heist, but first, we need to have a fight scene between The Rock and Vin Diesel, which would be a lot more exciting if it wasn’t for how incredibly obvious it is that The Rock is about a foot taller than Vin Diesel. All the quick-cuts and low camera angles in the world can’t cover up a height difference like that. You know what it’s like to try to punch someone while standing on an apple box? Vin Diesel does.

Man, I’d forgotten how much fun making fun of this movie was. They use sports cars to pull a safe! Because sports cars are perfect for towing! They’re trying to steal as much money as they can from a guy, but they burn several million dollars of it to “show him they’re serious.” Why? No one knows! It makes no sense at all, even in the shallow constructs of this movie. This is a movie where Ludacris looks like he’s too talented an actor to be involved! I can’t get enough.

This movie is too low on the list. I need to move this thing up. Tune in to TNT sometime this summer, guys, and watch this thing. You won’t regret it.