Well, the Super Bowl has come and gone again, and the next morning dawns with its big question: "who had the best Super Bowl commercial last night?"
Lots of blogs do a "Best Super Bowl Commercial" list, but those lists mostly make me feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't think that average-looking guys using beer to fool beautiful women into sleeping with them is always funny. Well, me and Jezebel.
Instead, I'd like to examine a few of these commercials and really consider the questions they pose:
AXE - Lifeguard
1. Wait, AXE is going to send someone into outer space?
2. Like, for real?
3. Is there a corporation you would trust less to send you to outer space than AXE Body Spray?
4. Are they at least working with an outside company on this, or are the same people who gave us brand names like "TWIƧT," "Clix," "Young," "Denim," and "Mature" going to be branching out?
5. Have they subtly been hiring advanced engineers for the past several years, or were they just looking for people who had "space travel" listed in the "other interests" section of their resumes?
6. If you discovered you had won this contest, and AXE was going to send you to space, would you say yes?
7. I don't think I would, either.
8. They say that 'nothing beats an astronaut,' but I think 'alive guy' does, wouldn't you say?
9. Also, doesn't "astronaut" sort of imply a job title, not "a guy who won a free ride on a space shuttle once"?
10. Like, if you get a ride on an airplane, you don't get to call yourself a pilot, do you?
11. If you do, would flaunting this be a better strategy with the ladies than what I'm currently doing?
12. You don't have to be that mean about it.
13. If you win a free boat or a pile of cash in a contest, I can see how that would be a draw. But how is "you having gone to space" a pick-up method?
14. How would that conversation even go?
15. "I rode in a space shuttle once." "How was it?" "Pretty sweet." "Cool, cool. Good for you." "Hey, do you think I smell like 'denim'?"
16. Would that work better than what I'm doing?
17. Hey, man, this is becoming uncalled for.
18. Also, is anyone else concerned that the AXE Space Program is about to outstrip NASA in "sending dudes to space"?
19. I just think JFK would probably be upset about it, right?
20. Wouldn't "JFK" be a pretty good AXE scent name?
21. They probably can't get the rights, huh?
22. Finally, who's that girl?
That last one is the only one I have an answer to.
Budweiser Black Crown - Coronation
1. They say, "we summoned the finest of this nation," so why aren't any of them in this ad?
2. What's that?
3. They think these guys are the finest of this nation?
4. I hate all these people. Don't you?
5. They're all wearing leather bracelets. Isn't that a bad sign? When everyone is wearing leather bracelets?
6. Doesn't something about that "Here's to our kind of beer." "YEAAAAAAHHH!" scene feel weirdly racist?
7. Do you think they put a black guy in the front to assuage my fears about that?
8. If it's not racism, what does "our kind of beer" mean?
9. I assume it means, "it sort of looks expensive and delicious, but it's secretly cheap and mediocre," don't you?
10. Why is it named "Black Crown" if it's a light amber beer?
11. Do you think that's racist?
12. Do you think it's a beer designed to fool people into thinking you're drinking a dark lager, when in fact you're drinking something else?
13. Why would anyone want to fake that?
14. Do you think people who drink lagers are inherently cooler and more manly than people who don't drink lagers?
15. Well, I don't. I don't know why you'd say that.
16. No, I don't think it's a statement about my masculinity. I just happen to prefer ambers.
17. Well, you're entitled to your opinion and your "manly" beer then. I hope you don't spill it on your GIANT BALLS then.
18. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Is there a cure?
19. That's rough, man. That's rough. I'm sorry.
20. Can I buy you a beer?
1. Okay, why is the fish singing Blackstreet?
2. Am I the only one who remembers Blackstreet?
3. They did the "rolling up one leg of your jeans" thing, remember?
4. Well, it was a thing when I was in high school.
5. Why is the fish black?
6. Is it because the fish needs to be black to sing a "black song"?
7. What do you mean, "why's it always gotta be about race with you"?
8. Maybe I'm just more racially sensitive, that's all. You ever think of that?
9. All the fish that follow the black fish at the end of it are yellow. Why is there only one black fish?
10. I'm not saying it's tokenism. I'm just suggesting that it might be a possibility.
11. Maybe you just need to open your mind more, okay?
12. Why's it called "sapphire" if the beer is golden and the fish is black?
13. I know they said it's "made with German sapphire hops," but do you really think that's a thing? Sapphire hops? It sounds made up.
14. Well, sure, but you can put anything on the Internet, right?
15. Why does the fish sing the part about "can't get her out of my mind, think about the girl all the time" right as the beer pours?
16. Do you think the fish is saying that we should drown our sorrows in alcohol?
17. Don't you think that's a bad example for our children?
18. Because some of us care about the future, that's why. And we don't like bad role models.
19. Yes, even if they're fish! Do you have a problem with that?
20. I've played this ad fifteen times now. Boy, the song's really kind of the jam, huh?
21. Do you know what Blackstreet's up to these days?
22. What? Seriously, why am I the only one who remembers Blackstreet?
I guess that's all of my major questions. I just had a couple more minor ones.
Lincoln - Steer The Script
1. Do you really think that Jimmy Fallon is big enough that he can get his name at the beginning of an ad, but not appear in the rest of it?
2. Do you think "crowdsourcing" an ad is such a good idea?
3. Well, would you still think it was an okay idea if you knew that those Doritos ads were "crowdsourced"?
4. I thought it would.
5. Do you think the line "it's the alpacalypse!" makes up for the rest of the ad?
6. If an alpacalypse really happened, would you feel sad or glad?
7. Yeah, me too. Fifty-fifty.
Go Daddy - YourBigIdea.CO
1. Does anyone have an eviler evil laugh than Danica Patrick?
2. Right? It's almost too natural.
3. Do you think Danica ever looks back at all these awful horrendous Go Daddy ads and thinks, "my God, my God, what have I done?"
4. No, I don't know if Danica Patrick believes in God. How would I know that?
5. No, I don't think that. Why would you say that? What a horrible thing to say.
6. Okay, fine, but if she were the Antichrist, she'd probably be a better racer is all I'm saying.
Calvin Klein - Concept
1. Why is he posing like that?
2. Have you ever seen anyone pose like that before?
3. What? Oh, I had some questions about this ad. That's why I'm reviewing it.
4. No, I don't think it's "sexy". I see what you're implying. Don't try to make this into something it's not.
5. Well, yes, in a intellectual way, I agree that he's quote-unquote "attractive," but what does that have to do with anything?
7. No, I heard you, I just don't think that's a word you should really use, don't you agree?
8. Well, I'd like to get back to the content of the ad, please. Do you mind?
9. It's like a "waving an invisible sledgehammer over his head" move. I've never seen that. Have you?
10. Do you think he's re-enacting Apple's famous "1984" ad the whole time?
11. It's eerie now that you see it, isn't it? It's gonna be stuck in your head like it's stuck in mine, isn't it?
12. Hey! I warned you about that, didn't I?
Kia Sorrento - Space Babies
1. Isn't this is a lot of sexual imagery for a car commercial?
2. There's something deeply disturbing about the way the dad says "penetrate," right?
3. Is that image of the space babies approaching the Earth disturbing to anyone else?
4. And when the dad says "these big rocketships," do you think he emphasizes the word "big"?
5. It sounds like he's compensating for something, doesn't it? It sounds a little defensive?
6. Did the bile rise a little in your throat too when he said "and then they're released all over the place"?
7. It's just a lot of sexuality for a commercial with baby pandas in it, is it not?
8. What age is it appropriate to talk to your kids about sexuality?
9. Do you think it's better to lie to your kids in the meantime?
10. Well, I see your point, but Santa Claus brought them presents, and they still get presents later. Isn't that different from "there were never any adorable baby space giraffes"?
11. Do you think that creates a household that fosters distrust and bad feelings?
12. Isn't that kid too old to be that impressed by "The Wheels On The Bus"?
Ram Trucks - Farmer
1. Do you think Paul Harvey is looking down from Heaven and is happy that his legacy is being in a Ram Trucks commercial?
2. I don't know why he wouldn't be.
3. Maybe I see the best in people, you ever think of that?
4. Well, I always liked Paul Harvey, didn't you?
5. Apparently you just think that about everybody, don't you?
6. Look, it can't be both him and Danica Patrick, is all I'm saying.
7. You have weird views on spirituality, you know that?
Old Spice - Irresistable
1. Seriously: how great is this ad?