Review: Peter And The Starcatchers

By Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson



Pearson had just finished reading J.M. Barrie's "Peter Pan" to his young daughter, Paige, at which time the girl looked up at her father and asked precociously, "but, Dad, how did Peter meet Captain Hook in the first place?"



"It was such an obvious question, my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe I'd never thought of it," Pearson recalled. And, because Pearson clearly wasn't coming up with enough good book ideas on his own, he decided to write the work, dragging Barry along for the ride. Since neither of the authors is familiar with writing for the under-15 crowd, one flinches a touch at the idea - Barry is best known for his weekly column in the Miami Herald (unfortunately, currently on hiatus) and such works as Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys and Dave Barry turns 50. Pearson is best known for more thriller fare such as The Body of David Hayes and The First Victim, the sort of novels you see the middle-aged woman across from you at the airport gate reading. Adult authors trying to be children's authors can often come across a bit patronizing in their storytelling, which doesn't take long to grate on the nerves of any reader, young or old.



Fortunately, Barry and Pearson know good storytelling (if you doubt Barry's skills, pick up a copy of Big Trouble or Tricky Business), and Starcatchers springs Peter Pan's world to life. The story follows Peter from his days as a young orphan all the way through to his adventures learning how to fly in Neverland. Starcatchers ably recreates the magic of Barrie's Neverland and gives the young reader a splendid in-depth look at Peter Pan's world. In fact, that's the books failing. As Barry and Pearson try to weave in the stories of Captain Hook, Smee, the crocodile, the savages, the mermaids, Tinkerbell, and the Lost Boys, they begin to lose their hold on the narrative pull of the book. In the end, Starcatchers ends up having to play catch-up, trying to jam in all the various elements at once in order to create a happy ending that answers all of our questions about Pan's life. But, as George Lucas is learning as he cranks out empty Star Wars prequels, we didn't come to find out the answers. We came for the story. It's a shame it got lost along the way.





Rating: 3 Stars - It believes in fairies, but you can bet your tinkerbells it ain't gonna start clapping to save any.

Review: The Sum of All Fears (2002)

Starring Ben Affleck, Morgan Freeman, and a lot of vaguely familiar faces



You have a pretty clear idea of what you're getting into when the DVD jacket proudly proclaims "Three and A Half Stars!" You couldn't find anyone to give you four stars? You have Morgan Freeman in a movie, and you can't find anyone to give you four stars? Usually, in this situation, the men in charge will find a quote from some no-name in a radio station in Alabama and throw that up there: "Visually Stunning!" "Huge Special Effects!" "Affleck Gives the Performance of His Career!" Now, there's a quote to make any viewer flinch.



Still, being from New England, I've got a soft spot for Affleck, who may have made some of the worst movie choices of all time, but nevertheless deserves more recognition than he gets for his acting chops. In Fears, he's in his element: a lot of stuff blows up around him, but he still manages to escape with great hair. The man's made a career out of roles like this (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor), and Fears is much of the same. He stars as Jack Ryan, a historian turned CIA-member, who gets his helicopter knocked out of the air by an exploding nuclear bomb three miles away, and you can tell it's serious because when he stumbles from the burning wreckage, his hair is now - ruffled.



How did the bomb get there? Well it all started with Russia. Or maybe Israel. And there's these rogue Americans, and a lot of guys with completely unidentifiable accents. The important part about the bomb is that it's not from Russia, it was just fired by a guy with a Russian accent. Unless this is a different bomb. There were a lot of nuclear bombs in this movie, and an awful lot of similar looking bad guys, and at the end, no one really seems to know where they are, which seems to be an awfully tricky loose end to leave hanging. It doesn't so much leave room for a sequel as it does leave you wondering "So, did the good guys win?"



I can't say for sure, but I was pleased to see Bridget Moynahan in the flick, a fine actress who I like for reasons other than just the fact that she's dating Tom Brady. She supplies the love interest for Affleck to not have chemistry with, while Freeman supplies a measure of credibility to a haphazard script by Paul Attanasio, who, as the writer of Sphere and the executive producer of House, M.D., ought to know better.



Still, what the heck. Four stars. Somebody's gotta do it.

Untitled Coffeshop Comedy: First Draft

INT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK is sitting reading a newspaper. As he sits, MINDY comes in with a cup of coffee and a book and sits down across the restaurant from him. RICK looks up and is startled to see her.

RICK (VO)

Woah. She's back. Alright, take it easy, Rick. Play it cool
for a bit, then start to work your magic.

RICK slouches down in his chair, sprawls his legs out, and arches one eyebrow over at MINDY. MINDY glances up, sees RICK, and looks down quickly.

MINDY (VO)
Aw, no. He's staring again.

MINDY pretends to be absorbed in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, good start. Here we go.

RICK looks towards MINDY, hesitates, then coughs twice. MINDY glances up. RICK looks down immediately.

RICK (VO)
Solid. I think that went really well.

MINDY continues to feign deep interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, get the ball rolling, man. Show some confidence.

RICK deliberately knocks some newspaper onto the floor. He bends down to get it, his eyes never leaving MINDY. As a result, he is unable to see where the newspaper is. He begins pawing the ground frantically for it. MINDY glances up. RICK gives her a look that utterly fails to be smoldering. He picks up the paper and opens it with great nochalance. MINDY lays her head down on the table and desperately pretends to still read her book.

RICK (VO)
She's eating out of your hand. Make your move.

MINDY (VO)
Okay, don't look up anymore. It only encourages him.

MINDY pauses, then looks up one more time to see RICK is now unbuttoning several of the top buttons of his shirt.

MINDY (VO)
Oh, please, no.

RICK (VO)
Okay, be careful here. You don't want to give it all away at once. Even
the world's studliest stud's got to know his.. uh... limitations.

RICK looks over at MINDY to see that she has now covered her head with her arms. She still somehow tries to show interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, Rick, time to read the body language. I'm pretty sure
she's trying to send me a message.

MINDY (VO)
This is the position campers use to ward off mosquitoes at night.
Please get the picture.

RICK (VO)
C'mon, Rick. Great lovers like Casanova could read a girl
like a book. Every little detail means something. Now focus!

MINDY has now abandoned interest in her book and placed it on the top of her head.

MINDY (VO)
Do not come over here.

RICK (VO)
Go with your gut, Rick. It's time to engage.

RICK stands up, sweeping the chair back with a flourish. The chair falls over. RICK hesitates, then turns around and picks up the chair.

RICK (VO)
I'm off to a rough start.

MINDY (VO)
Please let that be the sound of him leaving.

RICK swaggers over to MINDY's table. He looms over her, suddenly uncertain. MINDY peeks out from under the book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY peeks out from under her book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY stares at RICK. RICK stares at MINDY.

RICK (VO)
Oh, crud. Oh, crud.

MINDY (VO)
Please have something to say. Please do not just stand there.
Please.

RICK (VO)
What are you doing? Have a plan, always have a plan!
A witty first line! An offer to buy her a drink! Something!

MINDY (VO)
This might actually be the most awkward moment of my life.

RICK (VO)
Say something! Anything! Quickly! Don't just stand there
looking hot! Do something!

MINDY (VO)
I wonder if I made a run for it if I'd make it to the door before
he caught me.

RICK (VO)
New plan! Evasive action!

RICK makes a break for the door, knocking over the chair across from MINDY. A second later he sprints back, grabs his jacket, and leaves again. A few moments pass, then RICK reappears, rights the chair, then exits again.

MINDY (VO)
That was the most uncomfortable event I have ever witnessed.
It was like watching a Chihuahua trying to hit on a Great Dane.

EXT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK stands outside, freaking out.

RICK (VO)
What the heck, man? What happened? You had it! It was
there! All systems go! The light was on in her eyes! And you
blew it! Blew it! Struck out looking! You loser! Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid, aw, c'mon! C'mon! You loser!

RICK pauses in frustration, then catches sight of himself in a window. He hesitates, then primps for a second. He smiles and winks at himself in the reflection.

RICK (VO)
Aw, who you kiddin' man? You still got it.

Civic Detailing

Any car novice can tell you that it's not worth detailing a car
if you don't have the horsepower to back it up.

We got right to work.

Having the supervision of experts is a welcome luxury.
Here, I clean the dashboard as an interior design expert advises.

Some people feel that spraypainting a car
is not as good as having it done professionally.

This picture demonstrates that those people are lying.

The real fun in projects like these is that the whole family
comes together for a common goal - quality, tasteful detailing.

Though it's clear that success was never in doubt.

Tsk, dear reader. Jealousy ill becomes you.

Dark: Turn-In Script

EXT. DILAPIDATED HOUSE - NIGHT
RADU, an unshaven, rough-looking man in his late twenties, sits in a nondescript car across the street from the building. There are several cars parked outside, but all the lights appear to be out. RADU shuffles through several snapshots carefully, as if to burn each of images into his mind.

RADU (V.O)

Two guards and the target. Basic hit. You’ve done it
a dozen times.

He places the pictures back in a small suitcase on the passenger seat and removes a handgun. He focuses on the gun.

RADU
One more time and you're all paid up. And this'll be over.

RADU loads the gun and slides it smoothly into a holster on his hip.

RADU
One more time, God. Please.

He opens the car door and slowly stands up.

RADU
Just in case you're listening.

RADU walks silently across the street and up to the door. He produces a lockpick.

RADU
I figure you've got to be. I’m still alive.

RADU inserts the lockpick into the lock and slowly twists it to the right until it clicks.

RADU
Though I don't know why I bother anymore.

He slides the door open, revealing a shadowed hallway.

RADU
I’m not exactly the faithful son.

RADU slips into the house.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
RADU comes to a turn in the hallway and hesitates. A GUARD is walking towards the bend in the hallway from the other direction. RADU listens intently the measured footsteps coming towards him.

RADU
Just one. Slow.

RADU waits for the GUARD to reach the edge of the hallway.

RADU
I can make this quiet.

He slides a butterfly knife into his hand, but does not open it. He leans against the wall, anxious, his face a mask of tension.

RADU
I don't even know why to believe at all. Because I decide
who lives and dies. I deliver judgment on those found -

The GUARD reaches the end of the hallway. RADU flips open the knife and slips behind the guard, covering his mouth with one hand. He slashes his throat.

RADU
Unworthy.

RADU releases the GUARD. The body crumples to the floor. RADU studies the shape.

RADU
But that’s all I do. Until –

A flicker of blanch crosses RADU’s face. He turns away, flips closed the knife, and continues down the darkened hallway.

RADU
It’s not like I expect you to be smiling down on me.

RADU whispers up a flight of cramped, narrow stairs and slowly opens a door at the top to reveal another long, empty hallway.

RADU
But who’s to say you ever were?

He enters silently.

RADU
I used to fight it, God. I used to think that you told us
not to kill because you didn’t want us to know how good
it felt.

RADU reaches the end of the corridor. He seems to sense that around the corner a GUARD is coming. He withdraws a piano wire from his belt and readies it in his hands.

RADU
That surge – like every one of your veins is so alive.

The GUARD reaches the end of the corridor. RADU slips out from behind the wall and flips the piano wire around the GUARD’s throat.

RADU
Like nothing could ever hurt me again.

RADU closes his eyes tightly, as if to shut out the sight, and tightens the wire around the man’s throat.
CUT TO BLACK

We hear the GUARD strangling slowly, then RADU’s voice coming as if in a dream.

RADU
Hold on. Thick neck. Don't think about it. Don't let him pull you.
He's scared. Don't think. Just hold. One moment more.

The sounds of the GUARD’s struggle finally cease.

RADU
You're still alive.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
RADU is still holding the GUARD’s body in the piano wire. He lets go, and the corpse slumps to the floor.

RADU
Oh, God - it used to hurt to watch them fall.

He hesitates over the body. He looks nervous, even scared, for a moment.

RADU
I wish it still did.

RADU moves down the hallway. He comes to another door, reaches for the handle, then withdraws his hand.

RADU
He’s waiting.

RADU waits for a moment. His breathing gets a touch heavier.

RADU
One more. Don’t think about it. It'll all be over.

RADU slips his gun out of the holster and readies it. His gaze flickers upwards plaintively for a moment, then focuses back down on the gun.

RADU
It'll all be over soon.

RADU turns and bursts through the door.

INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
RADU scans the dark office quickly. The only light comes from an open window on the other side of the room. RADU notices the open window, and relaxes slightly and lowers his gun a fraction. At that moment, a scrawny BOY of about fifteen grabs RADU around his torso and attempts to stab him in the chest. RADU lurches away and his gun skitters across the floor. The BOY charges toward him as RADU scrabbles backwards.

RADU
God…

The BOY swings his knife at RADU, who dodges. RADU tries to pull out his butterfly knife but it slips from his grip and slides away across the floor.

RADU
God, please…

The BOY takes another swing with the knife at RADU, who blocks the BOY’s forearm with his leg and twists away. RADU spies his gun a few feet away.

RADU
God…

The BOY swings again at RADU. RADU dodges, then kicks out and connects with the BOY’s elbow with one foot, knocking the knife from the BOY's hand. The boy scrabbles backwards for the knife as RADU rolls over and comes up with the gun. He rises to his feet as the BOY begins to back up desperately until he finds himself against a wall. He stares terrified at RADU. RADU raises the gun to eye level with the BOY, but for a moment seems to reconsider. In the pause, the BOY lunges screaming towards RADU. RADU pulls the trigger, his face twisted in pain. The BOY’s body crumples to the floor. RADU contemplates the blood pattern on the wall. He looks deeply shaken.

RADU
Don’t forgive me for this, God. I can’t take it. Let me be.

RADU replaces the gun in the holster.

RADU
Please.

EXT. DILAPIDATED HOUSE – NIGHT
RADU exits the house, pauses on the front porch, and stares longingly at the sky. Then he turns away, walks to his car, and drives off.