I Learn Things Sometimes

While trolling the 'net, a dangerous pastime night or day, I discovered that VH1 has spent the last week doing nothing but cover the ongoing story of how a celebrity named Brandon Davis - "best known for his drunk driving arrest," which, in combination with dating Paris Hilton, seems to be enough for celebration these days - called Lindsay Lohan a "firecrotch."

Never mind that I never heard this story - I hope you never did, either - how is this news? Who in their right mind videotapes some greasy looking kid, whose expression reminds all of us that it's wise to wait at least until puberty to start your drug addiction, getting roaring drunk and ridiculing the former friend of his strangely famous girlfriend, then calls up E! News and sells the tape?* Okay, I would've sold the tape, too - but what the hell makes it newsworthy? I'm pretty sure this doesn't qualify under PICAN.

The story, naturally, gets much worse. Davis, apparently really plastered, also goes on to make some truly horrifying comments about Lohan's crotch, including that her... y'know, let's not go into it. If you're still curious, click on the link.

More bewilderingly, Davis also derided Lohan's wealth, explaining "I think she's worth about seven million (dollars), which means she's really poor. It's disgusting. She lives in a motel."

The lessons here are three-fold:
1. If you are a dick, or prone to be a dick after a few, and happen to be vaguely famous, don't get drunk near videocameras, cameras, or other people.
2. No matter how bad your press gets, no matter how many pre-teens you flash when you forget to wear underwear - again - on the Kid's Choice Awards**: there's always the off-chance that a wealthy heir will get slobberingly drunk and win the world back to your side.
3. Dating Paris Hilton is a bad idea. Always.

More adept readers might also note that being Paris Hilton is also a bad idea, and if the most stunning insult you can come up with is "firecrotch," you deserve whatever you get. But most importantly, remember: It's summer. Turn off the television. Walk away. It's just not worth it.

* It sounded funnier as a run-on sentence, so I left it. Suck it.

**Alright, I admit, that is still pretty awful.

Dani California

Has anyone else seen the video for the Chili Pepper's "Dani California?"

It's a cool idea: it plots, essentially, the history of rock'n'roll showmanship, with the band dressing up and performing like The Beatles, Elvis, Motley Crue, Prince, Black Sabbath, and The Clash. It's fantastically well done, too: Danny Kaye directed it, he's the same guy who did American History X. So it's unsurprising that it's so good.

And then, suddenly, the fun gets sucked away faster than an extra in Night of the Tornadoes (it was the only tornado joke I could think of). As the song hits the home stretch, the band's timeline hits the '90s. And suddenly, we're sitting there watching them imitate Nirvana, with Anthony Kiedis channeling Cobain while the band fakes the grunge band's famously intimate "MTV Unplugged" set. The camera shows Kiedis, slouched at the microphone in a particularly unfortunate ragged blond wig, his eyes closed. Suddenly, a candle in the foreground blows out. The camera cuts to a close-up of the candle, smoke curling up towards the ceiling. The song hits the chorus again, and the video cuts ahead to a present day version of the band. Meanwhile, I'm still gaping.

I'm sorry, did we just make fun of someone's suicide?

Review: BK's Italian Chicken Sandwich

It's rare that I review food on 10-4GB, but occasionally something is so noteworthy that it has to be mentioned. For example, Jack-In-The-Box's Egg Rolls received a 5 out of 5 review not too long back, and I stand by that opinion.

I was even having a discussion on this same topic when we pulled into Burger King on our way out to Maine to look at a car (which, unsurprisingly, didn't work out). While we bemoaned the non-existence of JITB in the New England states, we took turns ordering from BK's Value Menu, which is pretty much all people order from these days.

BK's Value Menu is a little Chintzy because while every other fast food joint in the nation has developed the "99 Cents Menu" or "Dollar Menu," BK has instead created a menu that says clearly - "these things may be cheap, but they give you a lot of bang for that buck or so." What I didn't realize is that they are lying.

I hit my fast food basics: the $1 Chicken Sandwich, the small fries, the small Coke. But I got cocky, I took it too far. I ordered the new Italian Chicken sandwich, which I assumed would be a loss leader bargain at $1.39.

I'll make a sidenote here: while my loyalties lie with McDonald's one hundred percent in all aspects due to the fact I spent all my formative high school years there discovering that some people never really leave those years, there are some things where McDonald's is simply not up to snuff compared to other similar dineries, and the Chicken McNugget is one of them. The McNugget is, when fresh, a tasty little beast, but it doesn't compare to BK's lean and zesty Chicken Tenders. The McNugget instead falls to fourth or fifth on the list, battling it out with Wendy's cheap but chewy 5-Piece Chicken Nuggets.

I throw this at you because the meat that was on my Italian Chicken sandwich was not a freshly deep-fried breaded chicken breast. Instead, it was as close to a Chicken McNugget as I have ever tasted outside of the Golden Arches. In fact, it was three nuggets, placed on a hamburger bun, and covered in marinara sauce. It was a sandwich clearly invented on freezer clean-out day. It was a travesty.

But I tried it anyway. My appetite held out as long as it could, which was still well under a minute. By the time we pulled out of the parking lot with our food, the sandwich was already crumpled back up in its paper and back in the bag, and I was halfway through my fries.

Shoulda gone with the Whopper Jr.

Rating: Half a Star out of Five

This is probably how Frodo felt.

I still hate car hunting.

My old college roommate loves it, always has. He used to spend hours upon hours at Autotrader and Cars.com, picking out cool cars that he could afford. He never bought any, but he'd figure out a way that he could buy them - selling his car, buying a ticket to Arizona from Southwest, doing it on Fall Break weekend so he'd have enough time to get it back for classes on Tuesday. He had no intention of ever doing so, of course. He just wanted to see that he could. It was bewildering.

I find it this confusing because it's so far off from where I am. I feel desperately lost when I car hunt. Friends will give me useful car advice about buying cars ("Above all, pretend you know what you're doing"), but when I actually get into the lot, I feel like Hansel after he figures out that animals have eaten all his breadcrumbs.

Every day I hunt for a good car until I find what seems a reasonable deal. That night, I explain to my family, friends, and roommate what kind of car I want to buy, and they explain why it's not a good idea. So I call the guy back and tell him I'm not interested in that rebuilt '84 El Camino he's selling, and I start over.

I think I'm only ready to talk about this now because I think I might have finally found a car. It's a '93 Volvo 850 selling for $2K just over the border in Maine. I'm driving up tomorrow afternoon, Hopefully, this time tomorrow I'll have agreed on a deal, so this trip won't be a complete waste of gas money and this long, merciless trek will finally be over.

But, if not, I can see if that Camino's still selling.

Wedding Presents and Funeral Thoughts

Tomorrow evening Tyler Tate and Ruth O'Neil will be joined in really awesome marital bliss in Lexington, Kentucky. To my complete dismay, I will in fact not be attending, because
a) it's 1000 miles away, and
b) that's a long distance to travel on foot.

Still, all the best to both of them, and I do wish I could be there. I realized earlier that since I am now in both a legal and socially acceptable sense a full adult, it's probably de rigeur to buy them a present and ship it down. Poop. As a consolation, it's almost like a really lame adventure to poke through a registry and try to find something reasonably priced and reasonably appropriate to send the happy couple. I sent them a wildly expensive hunk of wood. I don't know why they want it.*

I've also decided it's no longer appropriate to post every few days with topical posting. Since I'm free enough to post more often, I shall, even though that may mean some fairly banal posting. But if you've known me for more than a week or two, you know which party I usually fall into in the quality/quantity conundrum.

Someone re-sent my last post on to the Bishop family. Though I suspected that might end up being the case when I posted, I now feel somewhat strange about it. Writing the piece was catharsis for me, and I considered deleting it forever after writing it, but when you leave something on a blog in the early hours of the morning, it seems unlikely that anyone will actually read it. Knowing that people have, if only a few people, makes me feel uncomfortable. And that's certainly a first for the 10-4GB site.

Finally, I've seen three or four movies since I've been back (MI3, RV, and the Da Vinci Code). Reviews on at least one of those to follow. I mean it.

*If you'd like to send a gift to the pair yourself, click the link. I recommend choosing from Macy's, myself.