Untitled Coffeshop Comedy: First Draft

INT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK is sitting reading a newspaper. As he sits, MINDY comes in with a cup of coffee and a book and sits down across the restaurant from him. RICK looks up and is startled to see her.

RICK (VO)
Woah. She's back. Alright, take it easy, Rick. Play it cool
for a bit, then start to work your magic.

RICK slouches down in his chair, sprawls his legs out, and arches one eyebrow over at MINDY. MINDY glances up, sees RICK, and looks down quickly.

MINDY (VO)
Aw, no. He's staring again.

MINDY pretends to be absorbed in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, good start. Here we go.

RICK looks towards MINDY, hesitates, then coughs twice. MINDY glances up. RICK looks down immediately.

RICK (VO)
Solid. I think that went really well.

MINDY continues to feign deep interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, get the ball rolling, man. Show some confidence.

RICK deliberately knocks some newspaper onto the floor. He bends down to get it, his eyes never leaving MINDY. As a result, he is unable to see where the newspaper is. He begins pawing the ground frantically for it. MINDY glances up. RICK gives her a look that utterly fails to be smoldering. He picks up the paper and opens it with great nochalance. MINDY lays her head down on the table and desperately pretends to still read her book.

RICK (VO)
She's eating out of your hand. Make your move.

MINDY (VO)
Okay, don't look up anymore. It only encourages him.

MINDY pauses, then looks up one more time to see RICK is now unbuttoning several of the top buttons of his shirt.

MINDY (VO)
Oh, please, no.

RICK (VO)
Okay, be careful here. You don't want to give it all away at once. Even
the world's studliest stud's got to know his.. uh... limitations.

RICK looks over at MINDY to see that she has now covered her head with her arms. She still somehow tries to show interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, Rick, time to read the body language. I'm pretty sure
she's trying to send me a message.

MINDY (VO)
This is the position campers use to ward off mosquitoes at night.
Please get the picture.

RICK (VO)
C'mon, Rick. Great lovers like Casanova could read a girl
like a book. Every little detail means something. Now focus!

MINDY has now abandoned interest in her book and placed it on the top of her head.

MINDY (VO)
Do not come over here.

RICK (VO)
Go with your gut, Rick. It's time to engage.

RICK stands up, sweeping the chair back with a flourish. The chair falls over. RICK hesitates, then turns around and picks up the chair.

RICK (VO)
I'm off to a rough start.

MINDY (VO)
Please let that be the sound of him leaving.

RICK swaggers over to MINDY's table. He looms over her, suddenly uncertain. MINDY peeks out from under the book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY peeks out from under her book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY stares at RICK. RICK stares at MINDY.

RICK (VO)
Oh, crud. Oh, crud.

MINDY (VO)
Please have something to say. Please do not just stand there.
Please.

RICK (VO)
What are you doing? Have a plan, always have a plan!
A witty first line! An offer to buy her a drink! Something!

MINDY (VO)
This might actually be the most awkward moment of my life.

RICK (VO)
Say something! Anything! Quickly! Don't just stand there
looking hot! Do something!

MINDY (VO)
I wonder if I made a run for it if I'd make it to the door before
he caught me.

RICK (VO)
New plan! Evasive action!

RICK makes a break for the door, knocking over the chair across from MINDY. A second later he sprints back, grabs his jacket, and leaves again. A few moments pass, then RICK reappears, rights the chair, then exits again.

MINDY (VO)
That was the most uncomfortable event I have ever witnessed.
It was like watching a Chihuahua trying to hit on a Great Dane.

EXT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK stands outside, freaking out.

RICK (VO)
What the heck, man? What happened? You had it! It was
there! All systems go! The light was on in her eyes! And you
blew it! Blew it! Struck out looking! You loser! Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid, aw, c'mon! C'mon! You loser!

RICK pauses in frustration, then catches sight of himself in a window. He hesitates, then primps for a second. He smiles and winks at himself in the reflection.

RICK (VO)
Aw, who you kiddin' man? You still got it.



Civic Detailing

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Any car novice can tell you that it's not worth detailing a car
if you don't have the horsepower to back it up.
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We got right to work.
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Having the supervision of experts is a welcome luxury.
Here, I clean the dashboard as an interior design expert advises.
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Some people feel that spraypainting a car
is not as good as having it done professionally.
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This picture demonstrates that those people are lying.
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The real fun in projects like these is that the whole family
comes together for a common goal - quality, tasteful detailing.
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Though it's clear that success was never in doubt.
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Tsk, dear reader. Jealousy ill becomes you.

Dark: Turn-In Script

EXT. DILAPIDATED HOUSE - NIGHT
RADU, an unshaven, rough-looking man in his late twenties, sits in a nondescript car across the street from the building. There are several cars parked outside, but all the lights appear to be out. RADU shuffles through several snapshots carefully, as if to burn each of images into his mind.

RADU (V.O)
Two guards and the target. Basic hit. You’ve done it
a dozen times.

He places the pictures back in a small suitcase on the passenger seat and removes a handgun. He focuses on the gun.

RADU
One more time and you're all paid up. And this'll be over.

RADU loads the gun and slides it smoothly into a holster on his hip.

RADU
One more time, God. Please.

He opens the car door and slowly stands up.

RADU
Just in case you're listening.

RADU walks silently across the street and up to the door. He produces a lockpick.

RADU
I figure you've got to be. I’m still alive.

RADU inserts the lockpick into the lock and slowly twists it to the right until it clicks.

RADU
Though I don't know why I bother anymore.

He slides the door open, revealing a shadowed hallway.

RADU
I’m not exactly the faithful son.

RADU slips into the house.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
RADU comes to a turn in the hallway and hesitates. A GUARD is walking towards the bend in the hallway from the other direction. RADU listens intently the measured footsteps coming towards him.

RADU
Just one. Slow.

RADU waits for the GUARD to reach the edge of the hallway.

RADU
I can make this quiet.

He slides a butterfly knife into his hand, but does not open it. He leans against the wall, anxious, his face a mask of tension.

RADU
I don't even know why to believe at all. Because I decide
who lives and dies. I deliver judgment on those found -

The GUARD reaches the end of the hallway. RADU flips open the knife and slips behind the guard, covering his mouth with one hand. He slashes his throat.

RADU
Unworthy.

RADU releases the GUARD. The body crumples to the floor. RADU studies the shape.

RADU
But that’s all I do. Until –

A flicker of blanch crosses RADU’s face. He turns away, flips closed the knife, and continues down the darkened hallway.

RADU
It’s not like I expect you to be smiling down on me.

RADU whispers up a flight of cramped, narrow stairs and slowly opens a door at the top to reveal another long, empty hallway.

RADU
But who’s to say you ever were?

He enters silently.

RADU
I used to fight it, God. I used to think that you told us
not to kill because you didn’t want us to know how good
it felt.

RADU reaches the end of the corridor. He seems to sense that around the corner a GUARD is coming. He withdraws a piano wire from his belt and readies it in his hands.

RADU
That surge – like every one of your veins is so alive.

The GUARD reaches the end of the corridor. RADU slips out from behind the wall and flips the piano wire around the GUARD’s throat.

RADU
Like nothing could ever hurt me again.

RADU closes his eyes tightly, as if to shut out the sight, and tightens the wire around the man’s throat.
CUT TO BLACK

We hear the GUARD strangling slowly, then RADU’s voice coming as if in a dream.

RADU
Hold on. Thick neck. Don't think about it. Don't let him pull you.
He's scared. Don't think. Just hold. One moment more.

The sounds of the GUARD’s struggle finally cease.

RADU
You're still alive.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
RADU is still holding the GUARD’s body in the piano wire. He lets go, and the corpse slumps to the floor.

RADU
Oh, God - it used to hurt to watch them fall.

He hesitates over the body. He looks nervous, even scared, for a moment.

RADU
I wish it still did.

RADU moves down the hallway. He comes to another door, reaches for the handle, then withdraws his hand.

RADU
He’s waiting.

RADU waits for a moment. His breathing gets a touch heavier.

RADU
One more. Don’t think about it. It'll all be over.

RADU slips his gun out of the holster and readies it. His gaze flickers upwards plaintively for a moment, then focuses back down on the gun.

RADU
It'll all be over soon.

RADU turns and bursts through the door.

INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
RADU scans the dark office quickly. The only light comes from an open window on the other side of the room. RADU notices the open window, and relaxes slightly and lowers his gun a fraction. At that moment, a scrawny BOY of about fifteen grabs RADU around his torso and attempts to stab him in the chest. RADU lurches away and his gun skitters across the floor. The BOY charges toward him as RADU scrabbles backwards.

RADU
God…

The BOY swings his knife at RADU, who dodges. RADU tries to pull out his butterfly knife but it slips from his grip and slides away across the floor.

RADU
God, please…

The BOY takes another swing with the knife at RADU, who blocks the BOY’s forearm with his leg and twists away. RADU spies his gun a few feet away.

RADU
God…

The BOY swings again at RADU. RADU dodges, then kicks out and connects with the BOY’s elbow with one foot, knocking the knife from the BOY's hand. The boy scrabbles backwards for the knife as RADU rolls over and comes up with the gun. He rises to his feet as the BOY begins to back up desperately until he finds himself against a wall. He stares terrified at RADU. RADU raises the gun to eye level with the BOY, but for a moment seems to reconsider. In the pause, the BOY lunges screaming towards RADU. RADU pulls the trigger, his face twisted in pain. The BOY’s body crumples to the floor. RADU contemplates the blood pattern on the wall. He looks deeply shaken.

RADU
Don’t forgive me for this, God. I can’t take it. Let me be.

RADU replaces the gun in the holster.

RADU
Please.

EXT. DILAPIDATED HOUSE – NIGHT
RADU exits the house, pauses on the front porch, and stares longingly at the sky. Then he turns away, walks to his car, and drives off.

I've finally connected to the Matrix

My cell phone number has been removed after readers expressed concern over security. If you want to get my cell number, you'll have to e-mail me (prodigaldown@hotmail.com) in order to do so. So sorry.

I gave the number to my friend Ryan, who noticed that I have the exact same cell phone number as a mutual friend of ours but cancelled it a year ago. The odds of that are pretty crazy, eh?

I'm on Verizon, so I've got free nights and weekends. However, since I'll be in LA, 9:00 there is midnight Eastern time, so if you don't have Verizon or stay up late, weekends are probably your best bet. I also don't have free text messaging or anything cool like that, so don't even try. Still, the phone was free.

I don't know if everyone else feels a deep-seated need to explain the intricacies of their cell phone service, but it's not a bad system. The ball's in someone else's court. They can call me.

Orphans? No Orphans?

This is a collection of the more "artistic" pictures I have from Romania. "Artistic" is in quotes because "artistic" may also mean "bad but endearing photography." I've always felt photography is somewhat comparable to much of modern art: if you can't be good, be memorable. I'm going to stop this tirade quickly, though, because I actually didn't take any of these pictures myself, and some of them were taken by my dear mum, to whom I owe a great deal of money as a result of a forementioned ticket fiasco. So, it's best to stay on her good side.

It's fair to note that this is my favorite page of pictures. I'm very drawn to these shots, and I don't know why.

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Dia.

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Geta.

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Gabi looking happy. Emil looking very happy. Daria looking dazed. I love this picture.

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Pamela looking very lovely and not evil at all, which is not the truth. The workers several times presented me with Pamela as a gift, saying "take her to America with you. Please." We were both disappointed that I didn't take her.

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And on take forty, Sanda finally looking photogenic.

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Budapest on a blurry night. Or it might be the camera.

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This picture looks like one of those "after" pictures in those "drinking impairs your reflexes" manuals that cops use when they're trying to convince kids that drinking isn't cool by showing them blurry pictures. Let no one say that D.A.R.E. was ever a waste of taxpayers money. Heck, sold me. After seeing this picture, I'll never drink again.

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I like this picture. I'm going to use it for something someday somehow sometime soon.

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Because "artistic" and "sheep" go together.

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Me and Adam. I really like this one.

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Gabi, the world's cutest and most evil child. I wanted to take her home, too.

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Unlike Gabi, Alina is this cute all the time. She's not evil at all.

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Maria in bed, where the workers love to leave the kids. One of the volunteers this summer, Beth, is studying neo-natology (I might have made that up. I called her a neuro-natologist for a while, and when she confronted me on it, announced that I knew all the time that she was a neo-natologist, but that I was writing a script involving neuro-natology - the study of the brainwave patterns of infants. She didn't buy it, but it did give me one more script idea to not pan out at all) and worked with Maria this summer to teach her to walk. When Beth left, Maria started teaching herself, so that she could learn to climb out of her crib. Now, that's vivacity. The other two babies just lay there like slugs, the lazy bums.

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Dora, helping put away the clothes. The workers love Dora because she helps them do their work so that they can sit around and do nothing. As a result, she's getting awfully spoiled, but her foster family told me that they're gonna make sure that stops once she leaves the orphanage. I think that's a good sign.

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Emilia, the world's only living Cabbage Patch Doll.

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And this is my new favorite picture.