Review: Hitch (2005)

Starring: Will Smith, Kevin James, Eva Mendes, and Amber Valletta

This past week, I attended a seminar on screenwriting that went over the basic three-act structure that essentially every movie is built on. There is an exposition, then the first plot point happens which throws our hero intractably into the conflict. He meets many difficulties until plot point number two, in which all his plans have come to nothing, and there seems to be no hope for happiness. Then, the third act brings the climax, and ultimately, the resolution. On some movies, the structure is more obvious, on others it isn't as clear, but generally, you can trace out these points on all movies. As a frame of reference, the second act is usually the strongest and the third act the weakest.

I bring this up because Hitch is such a clear example of how obviously the three-act structure can sometimes be seen, and how weak a third act can be. You see, Hitch is an excellent concept: a "date doctor" named Alex "Hitch" Hitchens (Smith) teaches incompetent men how to stumble their way through the first few awkward dates without striking out. A truly incompetent prospect, Albert Brennamen (James), is in love with famous socialite Allegra Cole (Valletta), and enlists Hitch to help him find his way into her heart. In the meantime, Hitch is having trouble (obvious plot point number one) on his own romantic front, having fallen for the beautiful and successful Sara (Mendes), a gossip columnist who is incredibly dedicated to her work. The set-up is a touch predictable, but most people would agree it certainly has the potential to become an excellent popcorn film. But it doesn't happen.

Which isn't to say that Hitch is a bad film. For much of the movie, it's a solid example of a romantic comedy with a touch of depth. Smith is at his most laid-back, funny and charming, and James is excellent foil as the incompetent loser who finds his feet under Smith's supervision. Mendes is at the top of her game, which means that she's merely adequate to the role. And for the first hour and half, I bought it whole-heartedly - I laughed, I got involved in the story, I even picked up some tips on women. Then came obvious plot point number two.

I won't reveal the ending, even though if I did so, when you eventually see the movie, you won't have to watch it, and you'll have a fairly positive impression of Hitch. You can leave at the end of the second act, right at the point when the writer, who must think you've never seen a romantic comedy, clearly wants you to wonder, "are they ever gonna end up together?" Because from then on in, it's awful. It's some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard. You know the old Bette Midler tune, "Wind Beneath My Wings?" The dramatic last section of dialogue seems to be Smith and Mendes reciting lines of it back and forth to each other. I can't tell you how miserable it was for me to watch every bit of energy that the movie had swirl down the tubes.

Therefore, I cannot recommend Hitch to you. I'm sure you understand. It's a noble effort, and a clever idea, but as much as I love Will Smith and all his "let this black man show you white boys how to be cool" swagger, it's just not worth the trip. Save your money and go see one of those Oscar-nominated films like Hotel Rwanda and Million Dollar Baby before they leave theatres. By the time you get back, Hitch might already be on cable.

Rating: I give you one and a half stars for the first act, two stars for the second act, minus one star for the third act, and minus half a star for having a character named "Allegra." Two stars outta five.

Too much Dragostea din Tei to handle

Alicia sent me this one: it's a number of different videos, all having to do with - you guessed it - "Dragostea din Tei." How did this song get to be such a phenomenon? Everyone at school is singing this song, I'm constantly passing people in the cafeteria, "Maiy-ya-hee! Maiy-ya-hoo! Maiy-ya-ha! Maiy-ya-ha-ha!" It stuns me. This is a Romanian song, what caused it to be such a phenomenon?

Let this be a lesson to you musicians out there: no one cares if you're good. Just be catchy. Lord knows how far you could go.

For example, you could go all over the internet and be made into various home music videos and flash presentations, some disturbingly homoerotic. Like this one, which features three European guys with too much time on their hands, too little interaction with girls, and waaaaaaaaaay too much built-up sexual tension. I can't actually advise you to click on the link, I wouldn't actually want to encourage it. I just wanted to give you the option. Rating: No stars. You will die alone.

Next, you've also got the chance to go this flash presentation of some cats talking into a phone, doing that little dance that O-Zone does in the video, and drinking whiskey while the song plays in the background. It's merely okay, but it does have the added advantage of being completely unintelligible, since Japanese (or maybe Chinese) symbols fly across the screen as Romanians sing in the background. It's sort of like the dream you'd have if you stayed up too late trying to translate a Japanese manual. Into Romanian. For cats. Rating: 2 Stars. Only for the drugged.

This is also a flash presention of cats drinking to "Dragostea din Tei" while Japanese symbols flash across the screen. But it's cooler, because it's weirder. It features a guy getting shot with an arrow, a guy with a Picasso attached to his head, and Ronald McDonald riding a burrow towing a dead bear. Those crazy Japanese! Or maybe Chinese! Is there no limit to their zany antics? Rating: 4 Stars. Groundbreaking in a pointless sorta way.

You can also check out this last link, just for fun. The first bit of inevitable backlash. And while you're at it, here's the original page.

This post is only interesting if you know Justin Ladd

I was compared to Justin Ladd the other day:

"He's a sorta cool version of you."

"So, like me, except cool?"

"No! There's him, and there's you, and you're both cool, because you're both like you."



Semantics aside, it's a fair comparison. We're similar people, and that's why this idea appeals to me - because it appealed to him first. Here's the idea: Justin has a list of 100 things he'd like to accomplish before he dies. Some are unlikely and unreachable, some could possibly be accomplished on a lazy afternoon. They're things like "build a rocking chair," and "get through Contra Force without using any cheat codes." So I'm making a similar list, and I'll add these things, one by one, and post them on the blog. Let me know if you have any suggestions, or similar goals, to which I should be alerted. Sometime in the near future I will post the beginnings of the list, as well as explanation as to why I feel such lists are a sign of the wrong direction that our society's values have taken. It'll make sense when you see it.



In addition, I've also realized that I have numerous friends who have also entered the blogging universe, and that my site currently only links to Peracchio. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll search around, find the best of the best, and add a links section. Because, after all, I don't already have enough links sections as it is.