Party of Five: Season Two

More because I am an obsessive viewer of our narrative television culture than anything else, I Netflixed the first disc or two of "Party of Five," Season One, a few months back. I enjoyed it, sure, but I felt that it was still too new and uncertain for me to keep following along too closely. I decided I'd skip ahead and take out the first couple discs of the Season Two, instead, because that's when Jennifer Love Hewitt showed up for her star-making performance, and also because I had a vague sort of hope that everyone might stop pouting in the meantime.

A couple weeks ago the first of those discs arrived in the mail. I took it out and put it next to my DVD player for "when I had time." Naturally, it sat on my TV for a couple weeks, before finally I simply ran out of all other options and I put it in.

I'm now a couple episodes in, and I figured it was time - and I know you agree - for a couple random observations:

A Couple Random Observations about Party Of Five, Season Two (so far):

1. It's just a glaring plot hole - how are we to believe that Scott Wolf does not notice the desperate affection of Jennifer Love Hewitt? It's Jennifer Love Hewitt. He continues to chase girls that could generously be said to resemble a poor man's Molly Ringwald, and continues to be surprised whenever Hewitt appears at his side saying things like "are you taking anyone to the bonfire?" and "where've you been? I called your house three times last night." It's like watching a romantic comedy starring the guy from Memento.

2. The pout-o-meter is still firmly in the red. My favorite is still Scott Wolf's-pining-for-dead-
girlfriend story, which the writers ditch for the first 90% of every episode so he can be charming and flirt with the mediocre girl-of-the-week, then bring back right at the end so the show can end on a downer. Way to show off why the critics gave you that Best Drama Emmy, guys.

3. It's fun to watch Matthew Fox's career backwards. All that vein-popping intensity of "we need to band together to survive!" we see every week on "Lost?" Oh, it's all here, except he's yelling at his little sisters about detentions and breaking curfew. He's about 3 notches too heavy on "Lost" and about 47 notches to heavy here. Great fun.

4. Scott Wolf's Hair, Season One - The "Fluffy Ryan O'Neil"
Appropriateness To The Era: 8
Attractiveness: 2
Comedic Value: 6
Scott Wolf's Hair, Season Two - The "Ex-Military Man"
Appropriateness To The Era: 7
Attractiveness: 5
Comedic Value: 2

5. Matthew Fox's Hair, Season One - The "Eddie Vedder with Conditioner"
Appropriateness to the Era: 9
Attractiveness: 7
Comedic Value: 5
Matthew Fox's Hair, Season Two - The "90's Mullet"
Appropriateness to the Era: 0
Attractiveness: 0
Comedic Value: 10

I'll update you as more observations surface.

I keep meaning to do a "What To Watch This TV Season" post sometime, remind me to do so if you see me. Or, subscribe to TV Guide, which would probably be more helpful.

The Best Page In The Universe

I'm linking to The Best Page In The Universe, an always enjoyable read from the always enjoyably offensive Maddox, who is the sort of vindictive weblord who posts the hate mail he receives - with the user's e-mail - in order to sic his millions of readers on them. It's rare you see people who send hate mail beg for mercy 20 minutes later, but on his site it seems to happen with some regularity. He's usually too uninformed on all of his bombastic movie pans for me to really recommend those sections, but he's more fun on things like "9 Things I learned about the world from anonymous stock photo models," and his now-famous critique of blogs.

It's pretty lowbrow, so it's not for everyone, but I like people who consistently pull no punches, no matter how dumb their own opinions are.

Christmas List

Our family has a very short-lived tradition (we started it last year) in which we all make a Christmas list and send it to my brother's wife, Heidi, who is about 600% more capable than anyone else in our family, and therefore has to be in charge of this tradition. She picks names and sends out secret e-mails to everyone in the family, telling them who they're in charge of buying presents for that year. Everyone gets stocking presents for everyone else in the family, and then spends a bunch of cash on the person whose name they drew. It's like an amped up Secret Santa, except I get less notes with smiley faces in my locker.

Heidi sent me a "get your Christmas list in" e-mail about a month ago and then a "get your Christmas list in now" e-mail tonight, which I hurriedly responded to because she's about 14 or 15 months pregnant and so I feel it might be unwise to get on her bad side. And I'm already pretty far behind because my dad got his in before she ever sent out any e-mail at all. Suck-up.

I was going to write up about few of those items to maybe up-sell them a bit in case you, like most people, endlessly mimic my opinions and want to acquire the same possessions as me. Then I decided to just put up the list and see if anybody wanted to buy me anything. Then I felt guilty and decided to go back to my original egotistical idea and ignore the narcissistic one.

So here are a few key items for your Christmas list this year. I'll include links in case you just can't help yourself and have to buy one for me:

The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible, by A.J. Jacobs.
Jacobs spends the year not just tithing and curbing lust, but not mixing linen and wool, eating crickets, and calling the days of the week by their ordinal numbers to avoid voicing the names of pagan gods. I've heard lots of good buzz about this book the past couple of weeks, so I've gotten excited about the prospect of reading it without even knowing if the author is any good at all at writing. I hope so. What a great concept.

Schulz and Peanuts, by David Michaelis
America's most beloved comic strip was a combination of gentle humor and quiet wisdom, but its creator was a deeply unhappy man who struggled with depression his whole career. Michaelis was given unprecedented access to the family and private papers of Shulz, who was famously quite solitary and averse to intrusions by the press. Nearly 250 Peanuts strips are woven into the biography, demonstrating just how much of his life story Schulz poured into the cartoon. In one sequence, Snoopy's crush on a girl dog is revealed as a barely disguised retelling of the artist's extramarital affair. It's the sort of uncovering that digs into the pain of making something deeply heartfelt, which is the sort of story I really love to dig into.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto, by Chuck Klosterman
A thoughtful commentary on Saved by the Bell, Billy Joel, MTV's The Real World, the psychoses and motivations of breakfast cereal mascots, the difference between Celtic fans and Laker fans, and The Empire Strikes Back? Done and done. Sign me up. I'm also asking for Killing Yourself to Live, on his trip around America to visit the death sites of a number of rock'n'roll icons after the discovery of his own imminent death. Why the death sites of rock'n'roll icons? I have no idea, but I'm in.

"Chase This Light," Jimmy Eat World
Apparently this album is as close to living up to the potential emo music never fully realized it had. If it's half as good as 2001's "Clarity" - another hallmark album in emo's short time in the sun - I'll be more than happy.

"Release The Stars," Rufus Wainwright
Like most people, I'm a complete sucker for weird pop songs heavily influenced by Chopin and Italian opera, sung in a quaveringly mournful tone by a singer who freely calls himself the Gay Messiah and holds massive rallies to sing Judy Garland songs. He only gets weirder as he goes along, too, so this album should be amazing.

"Teenager," The Thrills
Some bands sound like they're heavily influenced by 70's rock and folk music. Some sound like they're the genuine article. But the Thrills are so exactly, perfectly of a different era that you almost can't really believe that they're releasing these albums today. They're like a bizarro "Quantum Leap," where a 70's band has traveled through time in order to save music before they're allowed to return home.

"30 Rock," Season One
I've ever seen a comedy so simultaneously loose and unprepossessing, and yet so consistently sharply and wittily written. And characters like Alec Baldwin's Jack Donaghy come along once in 10 years - when you get a character like this on your television each week, you treasure him, it's wrong not to. Thursdays at 9, people.

"Friday Night Lights," Season One
The hype is real: this show is that good. The critics are right. Your friends are right. The guy who works down the hall from you who keeps gushing about it is right. It's that good. Buy it, rent it, Netflix it, borrow it, find it somewhere. Just don't miss it. It'll be gone soon if we don't save it, and the only way to save it is to watch it. We can't complain about the crap on TV if we won't fight for the good stuff, and this is as good as it comes.

Hope that helped your Christmas shopping a little. E-mail me if you need my address for...uh... anything.

Here's How To Give A Better Interview, Dave

David Chase was asked about the increasingly elaborate and slightly crazed theories (the Last Supper theory in particular stands out) “Sopranos” fans have built around the enigmatic final scene of the series finale. He had the audacity to give the “I’m a creative genius, so it’s possible my subconscious created something incredible on a different level that I didn’t even realize was happening while I was doing it” answer. He followed that up with the “our fans our losers for putting so much thought into this, get a life” answer. I now hate David Chase.

Dave, let me explain something to you: there are only seven answers you’re allowed to give when asked that question, and your answer is not one of them. In fact, it’s not anywhere close to anything on the list of acceptable responses. Here are the answers you can give to avoid complete douchery in the future when asked about a scene’s subtext:

  1. "It’s really touching to see fans reading so much into what’s going on each episode. It makes all our hard work feel worth it.”
  2. “Oh, you know me. I’m lucky if I can ever remember to turn the camera on.”
  3. “I won’t give anything away, but there’s definitely things going on below the surface in that scene. People are right to put a lot of thought into what they’re seeing.”
  4. “I’m Michael Bay. My movies don’t have any significance in literally any context.”
  5. “Half the fun is trying to figure these things out, I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.”
  6. “I built that scene in a very classic filmic style, with an eye towards having it consistent with our culture’s visual history, so if you spot references to certain things in there, it may not be unintentional.”
  7. “Yeah, I stole the idea from an old student film I did in college when I was taking a lot of LSD. I have no idea what the scene means either.”
Any one of those answers is acceptable in any interview, though you can change the language of number four to say “Joel Schumaker” if you wish.

Print this out and take this with you to any interviews in the future, Dave. It seems you need all the help you can get.