Fortune Cookies

If you've ever eaten Chinese food with me - and even if you haven't - you've probably heard me brag about how I have good luck with fortune cookies.

You scoff, of course, but I've had my share of stunners. I've shared a story or two on the blog, I think - I must have at least told the L.A. story. If not, here it is:

While in film school, I went out to get Chinese food one afternoon with some of my new classmates. I believe it was still early in the semester, since I was still trying to get my classmates to grow fond of me to the point that by the end of term we would call each other "chums" and call each other to explain what a ripping good time we'd had at hols. My early impressions of film school seem to have been heavily influenced by books like The Hardy Boys Do A Year At Brighton. Anyway, to achieve this end, I was relying on my standard strategy for gaining people's approval, which is of course bragging about myself.

As we finished up our meal, I reached for my fortune cookie and announced my consistent good luck with these fortunes. I brought up the many times I had received glowing approvals of my abilities, including the one that said "you are always right," the one that said "your ideas are better than everyone else's," and the one that, without me even having to tack on my own ending, declared that I was quite something in bed. Proof positive of my excellence.

My classmates, Philistines all, voiced their dissension. "No one's good at getting fortunes, Ben. It's just dumb luck."
I held my cookie aloft and smiled craftily. "I have luck whenever I need it. Watch this. It'll say it right there." I cracked the cookie open. The fortune read "You are lucky in all you attempt." I hollered in triumph and did a victory lap around the Farmer's Market. Despite the proof of my supernatural talents, no one ever ended up calling me "chum," but I feel that I won the day anyhow.

I bring this up because I've been in a slump. A cold spell. I haven't gotten a good fortune in a long time. I mean sure, I've gotten a couple decent ones: "You will soon be victorious" was pretty nice; but it's not like it used to be. Sometimes I end up opening more than one cookie at a Chinese restaurant, hoping for a little bit of magic again. I'm pushing, and I know it. I'm watching my average tumble towards the Mendoza line, wondering if I ever had it at all, or was it all just a fluke.

Tonight, though, it happened again; a solemn promise right there, just after my sweet and sour chicken:

"You will become an accomplished writer."

Hot dog. I'm back.

Spirit-Filled

I was exiting the mall today when I passed an ad for a church in our area whose name I’ve forgotten. I’ve walked by this ad a dozen times, it’s quite noticeable: two extremely energetic singers are punching the air, the name of the church plastered across the bottom, and large superlatives with exclamation points in the corners. It’s quite vibrant. If that was what I was looking for in a church, I’d be sold.

As I passed the ad this time, I noticed that one of the superlatives was “Spirit-Filled!” It caught me with a little punch in the gut. It’s a phrase I’m not fond of.

“Spirit-filled” is a popular buzzword around here. It pokes up in every church’s advertisements, from the church down the road to the megachurches downtown. When I was creating an advertisement for a church service this year, the phrase was suggested, re-suggested, and finally insisted upon. Management felt very strongly it set the right tone for what we were doing.

I understand why, of course. “Spirit-filled” indicates energy, vitality, perhaps even exuberance. More importantly, it implies God without really announcing God, the way “Christ-centered” or “Bible-believing” would; it says “God’s a part of what we’re doing here. But in a fun way.”

There’s a prevailing belief, particularly in larger churches, that this is way to win new people into their communities. The belief is insidious, it doesn’t affect just poorly run or spiritual dead churches, it is the natural progression of attitudes that follows large-scale growth. A church passes a point where it is a group meeting together on Sundays and becomes a service that people attend, and finally perhaps a show that people come to see. It is the way of such things.

Once a church reaches that point, they stop thinking about new members in a personal way (“I’m going to invite my neighbor Jack to church”) and begin thinking in terms of untapped markets and appealing to those dissatisfied with their “competitors” (“how can we reach the upper-middle class single mothers who don’t like praise music?”). And so church becomes, in small degrees, less a time for praising and reflecting on what God has done and more an opportunity to swell their ranks. They start to create services that “attract people.” They look for ways to be “slicker,” “more professional,” and above all “seeker-friendly.”

Understand, I’m part of the worst of it. I’m a member of a church media staff. If you want to take a shot at anyone who’s glossing over the rough edges of the Gospel, look at the guy who’s trying to cut it down to a 30-second clip. But it bothers me.

Howerver, I think that all of that isn’t really what bothered me about seeing the phrase “Spirit-filled” on that poster. I think what bothered me is that it implies that we already know that the Spirit is showing up, available at our beck and call with a snap of our fingers. And depending on what you believe about the Holy Spirit, perhaps He is, but to me it just makes Him sound like a dog on a leash. The Holy Spirit is now available, recently installed and fully functional, just past the coffee shop but before you get to the playground. Sometimes you have to crank him a little to get him going.

Maybe my view on the Holy Spirit is different from yours, but I don’t think that sounds right to me. To me, saying a service will be “Spirit-filled” is like saying “Come to church on Sunday, the building will be inexplicably destroyed by an unforeseeable natural disaster.” When we call on the name of the Lord, he hears us, and when we ask the Holy Spirit to come inside us, he does, but it’s not some parlor trick. It’s not something we’ve learned to control. It’s bigger than us, and always will be, no matter how many enthusiastic singers we have punching the air.

And exuberance or no exuberance, I’d rather be at the “Christ-centered” church any day.

I have returned...

...and I brought candy. I returned late last night from New Hampshire, where I spent a week happily reading, kayaking, playing Scategories, watching the Olympics, and dozing on the sandy shores of Lake Swanzey. I also caught the wedding of a couple I helped introduce about 18 months ago, which is always nice.

For the record, here's a new problem you might want to think about as you plan your wedding:

If, hypothetically, you have somebody film your wedding and borrow a camera for him. And say, hypothetically, that the camera you borrow for him records to a hard drive instead of to a tape.

Let's further assume that the camera turns itself on while on the way to the wedding, killing the battery. The only way to power the camera is to plug it in to the wall.

Now, weddings being the confusing thing that they are, it seems perfectly logical that - hypothetically - the organist could come forward, trip over the cord and abruptly shut off the camera. And cameras being what they are, sometimes when they record to hard drives and then get the plug pulled and then they get turned back on, they sometimes need time to figure out how to fix the footage they've already captured.

When hypothetical situations like this take place, it's perfectly possible that this could mean that the camera misses a little bit of live footage. And since some cameras have slower hard drives, it could also mean that the camera could miss a... substantial portion of a wedding. Say, the first kiss. And the recessional.

Engaged people, just something to think about as you go about your wedding planning. No reason for alarm.

Though, maybe, you should think about how you'd deal with a situation like that.

'Cause I might need to know that.

My Top 100 Albums Of All Time (#81-90)

I worry that these will get longer as we go, until by the time we’re on #11-20, I’m relating long stories from middle school of crying over lost loves and falling asleep with my headphones on to Ben Folds records. It’s possible that I will end up doing that during this section, actually, so maybe I shouldn’t jinx myself. To business:

90. The New Amsterdams – Never You Mind.
The Get Up Kids were just peaking as a formidable emo force when frontman Matt Pryor launched his second side band, this one a complete departure from both the Get Up Kids electropunk emo sound and Reggie and the Full Effect’s comedic rock take. The New Amsterdams mined a subtle, slow Middle American sound, a weary acoustic profession of heartache accented with the occasional accordian and snare. It was a songwriter’s record, and proved once and for all that Pryor was a songwriter worth noticing. At times uneven, the album was a mission of self-discovery for Pryor, and at it’s highest point – the elegiac “Idaho” or the candid “I Won’t Run Away” – it found him at the top of the emo heap.

 

89. U2 – The Unforgettable Fire
I’m not sure why this U2 album has always attracted me more than, say, Joshua Tree, or Achtung Baby, but I’ve always felt a stronger connection to it than any other album from the supergroup. Perhaps because it’s the anti-supergroup album, an album about breaking away from being “the next The Who” and picking a different heading. U2 made better albums, but this one is rawer and more honest than any of them. Most of the songs are poetry of uneven meter and sound, the drum sound is looser, the production more atmospheric. Bono would later call the record “a beautifully out-of-focus record, blurred like an impressionist painting, very unlike a billboard or an advertising slogan.” The band’s songs are now so universally revered and eternally overplayed it’s difficult to find a U2 record that feels like anything more than a collection of singles, but The Unforgettable Fire remains cohesive and compelling.

88. Dashboard Confessional – The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most.
The album title alone takes one back to the days of the emo explosion, where unfiltered, overwrought teen angst was a commodity. The bands got louder and bigger as time went on, but Chris Carraba’s acoustic experiment led a charge to the opposite pole. The idea was simple – a little guy with an expressive voice and no range, an acoustic guitar, and lyrics of near-embarrassing honesty and forthrightness. But Carraba’s gift was the universal connection of an open letter to an unfaithful lover over an earnest guitar strum. The name was an appropriate one - the songs weren’t just singable, they were made, designed to be sung with a loud voice and questionable pitch on the long drive home, and I took part in the practice with gusto. It’s rare these days to see emotion displayed truly unironically, and that’s something that emo never really got credit for.

87. Stars – Set Yourself On Fire
The album opens on “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead” with a cracked, weathered voice: “when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.” It’s the sort of moment that launches an overdramatic emo album, but instead a low cello drifts in, then a slow horn intro, then Torquil Campbell’s quiet vocal, and finally Amy Millan’s fragile echo. Setting the world on fire is evidently a refined affair. The album follows the tone of the opener – lush, dramatic indie pop, occasionally anthemic but mostly content to let the songs fade to a single, heartsick note. By the time the album’s closed on the melancholy “Calendar Girl,” it’s become clear that Campbell and Millan have decided that insidiously enduring pop songs are the easiest way to torch the world.

 

86. Bob Dylan – Slow Train Coming
The record is most famous as Dylan’s “Come To Jesus” record, the album he wrote after he became saved. That wildly undersells it, since Slow Train Coming is possibly Dylan’s finest record, save maybe Blood On The Tracks (bring it, Blonde on Blonde fans!). From the slouching insistence of “Gotta Serve Somebody” to the whispering storytelling thump of “Man Gave Name To All The Animals,” much of the album is delivered with a curious dispassion, as if Dylan felt that preaching the Gospel needn’t require raising one’s voice. But when Dylan finally lets the vocal swell into a shout (“Slow Train,” “When You Gonna Wake Up”) it’s thunder on the mountainside. The miraculous thing about this record is not that it’s a “Christian” record by rock music’s greatest songwriter, but rather how sure of himself Dylan sounds. “Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through,” he scolds on “When He Returns.” “How long can you falsify and deny what is real?” There are people in pulpits the world over who don’t preach with that much passion.

85. Chumbawumba – Tubthumper
There it is! You knew we’d get here eventually. The first album I ever went to a record store and purchased was, in fact, Chumbawumba’s Tubthumper, and over the next six months, I listened to it at least twice a day. It’s an interesting record – no one, naturally remembers anything past the ubiquitous single, which is why the rest of the album comes as a shock. Chumbawumba’s music was overarchingly political, focusing on economic disparity and shady British leadership. What made it memorable was that it crossed its hearfelt desire to preach total rebellion with a belief that music should always be sung with one’s fist in the air. It’s two steps sideways from promoting full-on anarchy, and those were small steps, but you don’t have to care about message to appreciate full-throated passion shouted over the heavy thump of a beguiling dance beat.

84. Newsboys – Take Me To Your Leader
I was in seventh grade and sitting on the steps outside school, just a kid with a dream and a CD collection of two (both Jars of Clay records), when a kid offered to sell me a couple CDs for $5. Ten minutes later, I was the proud owner of dc Talk’s Jesus Freak and Newsboys’ Take Me To Your Leader. How do I remember this? Well, for one, I have a freaky long-term memory that remembers every useless story but not what my credit card number is, and also because I played those two records out. The Newsboys went on to implode, first launching an ill-advised attempt to bring back disco, then later growing boorish and perhaps even a touch arrogant, abandoning the immediacy of the live show for the safety of backing tracks. Not that I am bitter or saddened about this. Still, in 1996, they had found that perfect balance between their love of tongue-in-cheek wit and their enthusiasm for a good fuzz-rock sound. Under Steve Taylor's direction (he also wrote the lyrics to all of the best songs) the album was completely unpretentious, committed to being as boisterously fun as possible, faith-driven but without the piousness that would later pervade their recordings. It was a record to be cranked high and sung along to, a record that made the Gospel and its Great Commission seem kinda, well, exciting.

83. Dave Matthews - Some Devil
DMB fans will be disappointed this is the only Dave record that ends up on the list, but I never warmed to any of the band’s records as much as I did his one solo venture. Leaving the jam band mentality behind, Matthews accents his acoustic strums with delicate electric guitars and heads in a darker, more focused direction. Still, he balances the murkier tunes with floating, ephemeral moments of clarity, before plunging back down into depression and drink. It’s no coincidence that the album was written at around the same time Matthews was becoming a father and quitting a lifetime of alcoholism, the songs are all gin-soaked - and all filled with the self-loathing that comes with a full appreciation of that fact. Amidst the strife, Matthews finds himself becoming fully grounded for the first time. If Busted Stuff was Matthews coming to terms with the decisions of his life, Some Devil is his glorious reincarnation.

82. Ben Kweller – Sha Sha
Albums like this one are the reason I love debut records. Sha Sha sounds exactly like what it is: an incredible raw talent given his first chance to make the most of it. The production is loose and the vocals sound like they were recorded at five in the morning, and Kweller plays like a house afire. His later records would be just as good, poppier and better produced, but here Kweller sounds like Kurt Cobain and Rivers Cuomo gave birth to a pianist love-child, swinging wildly between raucous and occasionally lewd fuzz rock anthems and simple, voice-cracking love songs. There’s not a hint of album continuity except in Kweller himself, approaching each song with piano-thumping enthusiasm and singing with operatic effort, as if the microphone is forty feet away and he’s worried it won’t pick him up. Even when he dials it back down, his voice no more than a mutter, you hear the intensity hiding inside the quieter vocals, waiting to get out, until finally he can’t help himself and explodes back to full intensity. It remains one of my favorite debuts, a thrillingly energetic introduction.

81. Jack’s Mannequin – Everything In Transit
Lead singer and pianist Andrew McMahon’s work with Something Corporate ranged from the small-thinking and mediocre (“Punk Rock Princess,” “If U C Jordan”) to the expressive and epic (“Konstantine,” “The Astronaut”), with each of his albums packed with songs spread across that gap. It wasn’t until McMahon launched Jack’s Mannequin that he put out his strongest, most cohesive album. Transit is a songwriter’s record, sure, and it’s obviously more of a piano record than anything Something Corporate did (it’s no coincidence that most of their weakest work was whenever they abandoned the piano as a foundation for a song). But it’s also a stronger record both in terms of production and musical prowess; and though it lacks the rawness and accessibility of a So Co record, it also doesn’t sound like a bunch of Southern California kids with guitars. More seasoned players showed up to help (Tommy Lee provided the drumwork on most of the album) and the experience is clear. The biggest difference, though, is that it’s clear that Transit is McMahon’s opportunity to let himself shine. The songs are more personal, the piano fits more cleanly into the mix rather than battling for dominance, and McMahon sounds like he means what he sings. It makes a Something Corporate album sound like a demo record for him – and since there’s a Something Corporate record coming up on this list, you better believe that’s tough for me to say.

 

I'm glad this isn't my family.

A woman working at the Pizza Patron was stunned when, in the middle of the shift, the restaurant was robbed by three people wearing masks. She was more surprised to discover that the perpetrators were, in fact, her husband and her parents, who had neglected to mention this plan to her beforehand. The best quote came from the police officer:

"Her husband told us she didn't know. He knew they were going to rob someplace but he thought it was going to be a convenience store."
I love the idea of a family where the husband mentions to his wife that he and her parents will probably be knocking over a local business sometime that night, and then later says "y'know, why don't we just rob where my wife works?"

Good news on the horizon, by the way: the geeky-yet-appealing Michael Ian Black has announced, as a result of the loathsome-and-tiresome Tucker Max's throttle hold on the Amazon humor category, that he is willing to engage Max in a round of fisticuffs. Since Max wrote a book chronicling, among other things, his penchant for bar fights, and Black seems more like the sort of guy who spends a weekend watching "Fraggle Rock" on DVD, this seems unwise, but Max has generously agreed to "show up drunk - 20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to get me plastered. If you don't think I'm drunk enough, I'll keep drinking." What's more, if Black wins, Max will give him his next royalty check - about $150K - from I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, the autobiography that makes every mother cringe in horror.

A couple of quick thoughts on this:
1. 30 beers?
2. If Black wins by way of alcohol poisoning, is that still a win?
3. It has clearly been a very terrible idea to give Tucker Max ungodly amounts of money in large chunks. A better plan would be a small stipend, with the remainder of the money going to a trust fund that can be cashed in after both of his kidneys fail at 34.
4. You should read Black's post, if only for the Judy Blume joke.
5. Y'know, what did happen to Judy Blume jokes? They all seemed to disappear when "Chicken Soup For the Soul" jokes came into vogue.
6. A blind-drunk frat boy versus a stone-cold sober VH1 commentator would make for very good television, I think.
7. If someone kills Max, is it automatically considered fratricide? (heeey-oh!)

And finally, make sure to click over to see Joss Whedon's "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog," starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. It's hilarious, and the only downside is that now I think I should have a musical blog, too.

Speaking of Fillion, now that Ryan Reynolds is a big movie star, when is "Two Guys, A Girl, And a Pizza Place" going to come on DVD? What's the holdup?