The 50 Sexiest Movies Ever

I was at an airport the other day and picked up a copy of Entertainment Weekly at the local Hudson News while I was waiting around. Normally, EW isn't treated as porn, but a slightly more prudish shelf stocker had jammed one of those pieces of cardboard these stores always have in front of the cover, in order to protect the sensitive.

The reason was that EW had a cover story called "The 50 Sexiest Movies Ever," with an image of Kate Winslet and Patrick Wilson sprawled across the bottom (it should be noted that both Winslet and Wilson are, if not fully quite clothed, at least quite clearly not particularly exposed). I attempted to purchase the magazine at the counter and discovered that if I had any curiosity about which employee had felt morally compromised, I need wonder no longer. The woman there clearly felt uncomfortable, not only in me purchasing such a tawdry publication, but being near someone who felt comfortable purchasing this filth. I have never, in however many years of being a consumer, been asked so many times if I wanted a bag, nor had so many customers crane their heads from other corners of the store to see what the to-do was about.

Reading the article, though, proved it to be exactly what I expected: a journalist-lite approach to suggestive subject matter by people who actually have no real desire for titillation. With the rise of gossip journalism and pop culture blogging EW is, if not flailing, than at least stumbling a bit. An issue like this reeks of desperation. And it's also not very good.

I mean, it seems to me it can't be that hard to make a good sexiest movie list if you put your mind to it, right? I wouldn't make one, of course, because I think if you read a sexiest movie list, you wouldn't want to know who made it. It'd be like watching that "Boner Jams '03" video that Paul Rudd makes in The 40-Year Old Virgin. It's just too gross to think about.

Instead, I'm going to go ahead and critique the list that's already made, because EW did a really bad job. It can't be that hard to make a sexiest movies ever list, right? Especially if you're Entertainment Weekly? I mean, you guys cover this stuff, like, every week. That's how you got your name. It's not like you're starting from scratch here.

1. Out Of Sight.
This is one of those picks that would be a great pick if it was, say 13 spots down. If you saw a top-twenty list and Out of Sight was on it, you'd say "oh, yeah, that movie was kinda hot." George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez, and the first commercial Steven Soderbergh movie before the Ocean's movies came out. It's all fun and cleverly constructed, and there's a great meet-cute in the beginning between the leads. All well and good, but it's sort of like naming Karl Malone the greatest basketball player of all time. Sure, he deserves to be on the list, I know, but... c'mon.

2. His Girl Friday.
This is the first of the automatic "old black-and-whites are, by definition, sexy" picks, and it's a terrible first choice. Sure, Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell are great in this flick, but they're almost never together, and when they do talk, it's almost always by phone. Plus, it has those infuriating sequences that old movies love where the leads are talking by phone and the male lead is simultaneously hitting on and ignoring the female lead. The sequences always go like this:

Jimmy, the Intern: Sir, I've got Ms. Spunkson on the phone.
McBrisk: Gimme that here, Jimmy! (into phone) Moxie, about time! You dropped that nobody who's been followin' you around yet?
Moxie: You never change, do you, John? Anyway, grab a pen, I've got a big lead for you.
McBrisk: (covering phone) Jimmy! Bring me some coffee in here! (returns to phone, then looks back up) And a whiskey! (grabbing pen) Alright, doll, what you got?
Moxie: Down at the courthouse, they're all calling this an open-and-shut case, but here's the thing-
McBrisk: (accepting coffee from Jimmy) Sure thing, Moxie, we'll get right on it. (covering phone) Jimmy! Make that a double! (into phone) Still a muckraker through-and-through, eh, sport? Hey, you dumped that ol' hosehound yet?
Moxie: John, this is important! Have Jimmy grab a camera and head to the deli on the corner of Main and -
McBrisk: A deli, huh? Must be a real meaty case! Ha! (covers phone) Jimmy! Get the print shop on the phone! We've gotta stop the presses! (into phone) Got it, Moxie, we're on the case. Say, what you see in that schlub, anyway? He's no good for you!
Moxie: I'm sorry to hear that, John, since we're getting married tomorrow. Now, it's the corner of Main and -
McBrisk: Married! To that so-and-so? You're crazy, kid! (slamming down phone) Jimmy! Grab your camera! We're going to City Hall!
Jimmy: I thought she said a deli.
McBrisk: She did, huh? Silly girl can't get anything straight. Well, we'll work it out on the way. (the phone rings again. McBrisk picks it up and slams it down). All these phones are making my head hurt. Let's get a drink, Jimmy. (they exit)

Just imagine a hour and a half of this and you've got all the sexiness you can handle. How, exactly, did this beat Bogie and Bacall?

All this sexiness is making my head hurt. Let's get a drink, Jimmy.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Oh, come on! Come on! Are you kidding me? Really, Entertainment Weekly? Even US Magazine wouldn't put it this high up, and they worship at the altar of the great god Brangelina. You disgust me with your lack of taste. I vomit on your shoes, sir.

Let's skip ahead and just hit the highlights of your crapfest.

6. Don't Look Now
EW, there's one universal rule of Sexiest Movies Ever, and that's never, ever - EVER - put a Nicolas Roeg movie on the list. Definitely not one that you described as a "Venetian creepfest," and/or starring Donald Sutherland. And definitely especially one where there's even the slightest possibility that Donald Sutherland might actually really be getting it on in the movie.

Oh my God, I'm breaking into hives. Please, please, don't think about it. I'm shivering. It's so cold.

11. Once.
Once is a beautiful, lyrical movie about a love and friendship and music and having faith. There's no sex. There's no ribald dialogue. There's not even any kissing. It's just a sweet, quiet indie movie, with a sad, moving score, and you want to lump it in with the gay eroticism of Y Tu Mama Tambien. Why? Just because the two leads ended up dating afterwards, you feel it tinges the whole movie with sexual longing and hidden meanings. You have no class, EW. No class at all.

For shame.

17. Mulholland Drive.
You know what I said about Nicolas Roeg movies? That goes double for David Lynch movies. Lynch and Roeg don't make "sexy" movies. They make movies with sex scenes in them so uncomfortable it actually makes the very act of sex seem only acceptable for perverts. I have talked to people who watched these movies and felt afterwards that they would never be able to have sex, ever, so haunted were they by these movies. It's like the cinematic form of castration, only it sometimes involves baffling sequences with people dressed in rabbit suits.

19. The Notebook.
You don't think this movie belongs here, no sane person would. You just didn't have the guts to anger those 18-24 year olds who feel this movie is a metaphor for their whole life. It says something pretty awful about you when you do a list to shock the reader and spark whispered conversations, and then you don't have the guts to do anything shocking. Nick Sparks wouldn't put this movie here. Hell, Nick Sparks' mom wouldn't put this movie here.

20. Titanic.
So, while you were at it, you also decided to not piss off those 24-28 year-olds who have their own movie that's a metaphor for their whole life. And you put the movie that The Notebook endlessly ripped off one spot lower than it's imitator. Like a slap to the face, EW.

26. The English Patient.
You haven't even seen this, have you? Dull is not the new sexy. You just wanted some more Oscar cred on this list. It's like how the wedding crasher code demands that this movie be your favorite. You don't need to actually see it, you just need to convince people that you have, because that makes you deep. I mean, listen to your explanation:

"It's hard to say whether the doomed affair between Count Laszlo Almasy (Ralph Fiennes at his hottest) and Katharine Clifton (Kristen Scott Thomas, ditto) or the breathtaking cinematography (undulating Moroccan dunes!) is the bigger turn-on!"

Translation: I didn't make it past the credits before the movie got (ahem) turned off.

37. In The Mood For Love.
Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung fantasize about saying horrible things to their cheating spouses. Even the director is baffled that people warm so deeply to this movie, mentioning that people who connect so closely with the film don't seem to have noticed the viciousness of the main characters. I wonder which camp EW falls into. Maybe they couldn't figure out how to turn the subtitles on. Or maybe they just figured they needed another foreign movie on the list.

41. The Bodyguard.
At three movies, you are way, waaaaay over your Kevin Costner limit for any sexiness list.

44. King Kong.
There has never been a film into which people have added so much social commentary than the original King Kong. It's about racism. It's about sexuality. It's about the desire to control nature. It's about our deepest fears.

It's about a giant ape. In the climax, he gets shot. The end. Not sexy.

---

For future reference, I would be forever grateful if the following people were in no way involved in any future sexiness lists you make: Roeg (do NOT forget that one), Lynch, Donald Sutherland, Anthony Minghella, Jack Nicholson, Charlotte Rampling, and above all, Mickey Rourke. Please.

Thank you for your time.

Golden Globe Live Blog

I've never watched the Golden Globes before, so this is all pretty new to me, but I thought it might be fun to watch my picks go up in flames as the program goes along.

7:02 - The Globes does the nominees for "Best Supporting Actress," and I realize that they don't do film clips during the announcements. Weird, right? They just put a camera extremely close up to the nominee as the presenter talks about them. It's really awkward, especially since they're sitting at a table, so they don't see the camera, and then they turn around, see the camera, and start, and then try to clown around a little bit for it. It's impossibly awkward.

7:04 - Kate Winslet wins for The Reader. I'm one for one and feeling fine.

7:09 - Bruce Springsteen wins for his song for The Wrestler, unsurprising. Bruce looks like he's five years younger than he was the last time I saw him, and I don't really know how he managed it. He's not doing Pilates or eating egg white, y'know. Weird. Bill Simmons had a great bit on Springsteen being the halftime show:

As a lifelong Bruce Springsteen fan, the Super Bowl ads for his performance next month never stop flooring me. Don't they know how the man is wired? He can't bang out three songs without sprinkling one autobiographical story in there, and he certainly can't just go away without returning for an encore, right? (Note to the NFL: After Bruce finishes his set, hog-tie him to one of the uprights or else he's coming back out for three more songs. Just trust me. You don't want Bruce wandering back onto the field with his guitar like Shooter in "Hoosiers" and getting bowled over by a safety.) Look, Bruce might be telling the NFL, "Don't worry, I won't tell a story. I'll just sing my three songs and get out of there." But he won't be able to do it. You watch. We're gonna get a moment like this after the second song.

"Tampa Baaaaaaaay! (Crowd cheers.) Is anyone alive tonight??? (Crowd goes crazy.) Super Bowl Forty-Threeeeeee!!! (Crowd goes crazy as Bruce turns somber.) You know, when I was growing up, the only thing my dad hated more than me was my guitar. (Crowd hushes.) He was always saying, 'Bruce, I wish you never got that danged guitar.' So one day I was playing it in my room, my dad was watching Super Bowl Three between the Jets and … uh … uh … I think it was the Colts. Big man, was it the Colts? (Clarence says, 'Yeah, boss. The Colts.') Well, turns out my dad had a ton of money on the Colts … and they lost. But I didn't care. I was just up in my room strummin' my guitar. Then Dad came upstairs, and I remember asking, "Hey, Pop, who won the game?" And Dad got mad and broke my guitar over my head. He busted me up pretty bad, I needed 589 stitches to close the wound. From then on, I knew I needed to start watching football. And so I did. (Dramatic pause.) This is 'Darlington County.'"

7:16 - Tom Wilkinson wins for "John Adams." How did I miss that Wilkinson was nominated for this award? I think I vaguely looked at the list, saw that Piven was nominated, and said "well, he always wins." As soon as they shot a close-up on Wilkenson waiting for the announcement, I thought "aw, crud, I made the wrong pick."

7:18 - Simon Baker and Eva Longoria-Parker look very relaxed while doing their presentations on the stage, which is rare. Usually everyone just looks excited to get off the stage. It's strange how people so constantly in the limelight are often terrible at being in front of people.

7:19 - Laura Dern wins for "Recount." Hey, I got it right! That one was lucky.

7:26 - Cheadle looks a little nervous but seems to be having fun. Brad Pitt jokes! William H. Macy jokes! Doing this award show as a fake banquet instead of an awkward auditorium setting seems to relax everyone, which is nice - it feels less forced than the Oscars.

7:28 - Zac Efron is less orange than he normally is. Thank goodness. He finally doesn't look ridiculous.

7:29 - Has anyone every described Dr. House as anything but "cantakerous?" It seems like that should just be printed permanently on his character description.

7:29 - Gabriel Byrne won for "In Treatment!" It may be worth considering that "In Treatment" won so many nominations, I might have underestimated it pretty badly. Actually, so might Byrne, who didn't even bother to show up for the award show.

7:31 - Anna Paquin won for "True Blood!" She's pretty awful in that show. Wait, she's really awful in that show, and I adore Paquin. Huh. The Hollywood Foreign Press is hard to predict. And possibly pretty stupid.

7:38 - Ricky Gervais is my all-time favorite presenter. I want him to present every award in every award show I watch. Holocaust jokes! Bearded women jokes! Inner monologue jokes!

7:39 - Every time the Jonas brothers appear at any awards show, the director cuts to a shot of Miley Cyrus. In case you thought you were ever going to break free from that Disney label, Miley, you're not.

7:40 - Wall-E wins, no surprise. That one was no contest. Especially when up against Jack Black and Miley Cyrus. Woo. I'm not even proud of winning this one.

7:43 - Sally Hawkins won for Happy-Go-Lucky! I'm on a roll.

7:46 - Hawkins is weeping her way through this one. It's always nice to see someone who's truly gratified to be honored. Even by the Hollywood Foreign Press.

7:55 - John Adams gets the win for Best Mini-Series. I typed that sentence before the award was even given. I knew I wouldn't have to re-type it.

7:58 - Best Supporting Actor goes to... Heath Ledger. Oh, look, I did it again.

7:58 - Watching the actors respond to the announcement was a weird experience, though. Really weird.

8:00 - Chris Nolan calls Ledger's death "a hole ripped in the future of cinema." I like that. That sounds so right.

8:07 - Waltz With Bashir wins! I think the crowd was expecting I've Loved You So Long to take it since they cheered so loudly for it. Waltz With Bashir is an animated documentary, so you wouldn't expect it to win (but I did!).

8:09 - Is Aaron Eckhart's chin getting bigger? It's scaring the hell out of me.

8:10 - They're going through the nominees, and I'm just waiting for... "and Laura Linney wins for 'John Adams.'" Another safe bet.

8:11 - And I was right.

8:12 - Okay, while Linney's accepting, let's count up. We've gone through 12 categories, so we're about halfway through, and I've gotten... 9 of them. My goal is to do better than 14 in order to beat my best Oscar score, so I'm very close, and I've got a couple slam-dunk wins coming up, so it looks like I'm gonna break my record. I'm feeling good.

8:19 - Seth Rogen is also allowed to present at any awards show I watch. Cocaine jokes in prime time!

8:20 - Slumdog Millionaire gets the win. I have a feeling that this is gonna be the beginning of a landslide of Millionaire wins.

8:22 - Steve Carell should not be allowed to grow beards. That thing is gross.
Bold
8:22 - Woah, Tony Shalhoub's beard is even worse.

8:22 - Hey, Alec Baldwin won for Best Comedy Actor! I'm always excited to see my favorite candidate win, even if I didn't pick him. And let's be honest - was there a tougher category than this one? Outside of Kevin Connelly, I think all of the nominees had already won the award once before.

8:31 - And Paul Giamatti wins for "John Adams." Wow, this is easy when there are so many "John Adams" nominees.

8:36 - And "30 Rock" takes the the award for Best Musical or Comedy (you know, all those musical television shows are putting up a fight in this category). By the way, any time Tracy Morgan goes near a microphone on live television, stop what you're doing and pay attention, because that is craziness on par with Janet Jackson's costume malfunction waiting to happen. "I am the face of post-racial America! Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!"

8:44 - They showed a series of clips from Mamma Mia! I still have no idea how that sucker got nominated.

8:45 - And A.R. Rahman wins for Best Score! Glad I changed that one at the last second.

8:46 - Rahman thanks "the billion people from India." I'm sure they're grateful.

8:47 - Looking profoundly unhappy, David Duchovny announces from the stage "even though I didn't win, I'm very happy." Is it possible that Duchovny never looks happy, ever.

8:47 - Christina Applegate looks really healthy again! That's always good to see.

8:48 - And another acting win for Tina Fey! Isn't it bizarre that three years ago, she wasn't even really an actress? And whenever she wins, she always looks surprised to be up there. I like that.

8:53 - Alright, tallying up: Tina Fey won, Rahman won, "30 Rock" won, Giamatti won, Slumdog Millionaire won, and Duchovny lost, so that puts me at 14 out of 18. I'm killing tonight.

9:04 - Steven Spielberg is accepting the Cecil B. DeMille jokes and wisely avoiding "I'm ready for my closeup" jokes. I like watching Spielberg speak because he has an exact sense of his place in history, he's not spending the time acting as if he's falsely modest - he gives credit to the people who've brought him to this point, and never acting as if directing is the world's greatest profession. I wish more directors were like that.

9:12 - I am never going to watch the Globes again. This is the driest and least dramatic award show I've ever seen.

9:14 - We're finally doing Best Director, the only real battle this whole show. Here we go...

9:14 - Danny Boyle! I knew I should've changed my pick. I said I'd regret it.

9:15 - It's interesting to hear what names the actors in the room whoop for - Danny Boyle thanked his agent and everyone cheered wildly. I wouldn't have called that.'

9:19 - Oh my gosh, Colin Farrell won an acting award! Colin Farrell! This is insanity!

9:20 - Farrell announced from the stage "they must have been done the counting in Florida," which is exactly what I was thinking.

9:21 - If Farrell can win an award like this, I really need to see this movie, don't I?
Italic
9:22 - Y'know, four years ago, I thought Farrell was a talented actor, except I - like everyone - got blindsided by Alexander, and then, just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water, I saw Miami Vice, which - really - is physically painful to watch. But maybe it's time to let this go, huh?

9:29 - Only Sacha Baron Cohen would dare to do jokes so edgy the crowd actually boos them. I love that.

9:30 - Vicky Christina Barcelona wins Best Comedy! I'm not surprised, really, even though I didn't predict it. I have to admit that I didn't see Barcelona, so I can't really say if this is deserved or not. Anyway, the one thing we can all be proud of is the fact that - thank God - Mamma Mia! didn't win anything.

9:34 - Alright, we've got half an hour to go, and we still haven't covered Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, or Best TV Drama. I bet you they can get 15 minutes of commercials into the next 26 minutes.

9:39 - Kate Winslet wins again! Two straight! So much for not being able to win both awards.

9:40 - Winslet is on the stage and completely, adorably floundering. "I can't believe I'm here - Anne, Meryl, Julia - oh, God, who's the other one? Uh - uh - Angelina!" For as accomplished an actress Winslet is, she always seems so amazed to be winning anything.

9:43 - Rainn Wilson can also present any award at any show I watch. "Hello! We're television actors!"

9:44 - "Mad Men" wins! I'm glad they won something today.

9:51 - Woah, Mickey Rourke ended up pulling out Best Actor! Wow.

9:51 - He's getting a huge ovation in there. People are really excited for this.

9:53 - Darren Oronofsky just jokingly flicked off Mickey Rourke and they couldn't blur it in time! Awesome.

9:54 - Rourke has said "balls" at least seven times since he got up there, and awarded them to everyone except Evan Rachel Wood. Somewhere, a Globes producer is blanching.

9:54 - They're trying to play off Rourke so that they can do another round of commercials before the Best Picture announcement.

9:55 - And they succeed. More Target commercials!

9:58 - Best Picture... Slumdog Millionaire! There it is!

9:59 - I'm so glad I changed my pick.

9:59 - They're gonna run out of time - oh, how amazing would it be if this broadcast just cut off? Aw, c'mon! It'd be amazing!

10:01 - It didn't cut off. Oh, well.

10:02 - Alright, so let's tally up: I fell apart at the end and went from 14 out of 18 to 16 out of 25. Bleah. What a disaster. Still, I hit my goal! This is better than I've ever done on the Oscars.

10:03 - The new goal - to do better at the Oscars this year. 64% is a good number, but I want to do 75% for the Oscars this year. I can do it! We can build on this!

I still want to go undefeated, so:

I'm adjusting my Golden Globe selections, which were Benjamin Button heavy - I now feel that Button has failed to gather any sort of critical momentum, and won't be a major player at the Globes tonight:

Best Picture: I no longer think Slumdog Millionaire is the dark horse. I think it's now the favorite.
Best Score: A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire instead of Desplat's Benjamin Button score.

And I'm sticking with my Best Director pick of David Fincher, but I'm starting to think that Danny Boyle might be the guy. I'm probably gonna regret not switching, but I think Fincher actually was the best director this year, so I'm not dropping it.

And I thought I had my Best Actress pick locked up, but apparently Pia Zadora ruined it for me.

Also - how come the Golden Globe has "Best Film," "Best Musical or Comedy," "Best Foreign Language Film," "Best Animated Film," "Best Television Comedy," "Best Television Drama," and "Best Mini-Series," but no "Best Documentary?" Seems like an oversight.

Of course, this is the Golden Globes, which isn't a crowd that's really in favor of, um... thinking.