Top Ten Dorkiest Things that I do.

I thought that everyone might enjoy this. I compiled this list in a couple of minutes, which probably means I'll have to make an addendum later, as more dorky things that I do occur to me. Also - and I'm playing with fire here - if anyone has any dorky thing that I do to add to the list, I'm more than willing to hear it.

10. I get really riled when friends diss an artistic movie by comparing it to a less-than-artistic movie. A sampling:
Friend: "Oh, yeah, I couldn't stand Eternal Sunshine. It was terrible. Really disappointing for a Jim Carrey movie. Now - Ace Ventura - now, that's just a classic."
Me: Are you kidd- I mean, that was brill- (sputter) how can you even say that Ace Ventruruaa - Ventrurur (sputter) -Venn-shurr-ah is even in the same - whaaaa? Whaaa?
9. I have seen every episode of Family Guy multiple times, and when someone quotes it, I can tell which episode the quote is from.
8. I talk to all animals as if they understand exactly what I'm saying. Then I really expect them to go check and see who's at the door when I ask them to ("All right, all right, I'll do it myself. Sheesh.").
7. When surrounded by uber-dorks, I will attempt to fake dorkiness, and feign knowledge of anime, or Tron, or RPG games, so that they'll think that I'm cool.
6. I wear leather, in order to look tough.
5. I wear pleather, in order to look tough.
4. When singing along to a song, I'll pretend I'm holding a microphone in my hand and close my eyes and see myself singing in a huge auditorium, like the Paladium. I often do this while driving.
3. I have thought out every detail of what life would be like if someone performed surgery so that I had the metal skeleton and retractable claws of Wolverine.
2. Whenever I have a knife, I will toss it end over end to see if I've suddenly got the hang of catching it by its handle.
1. If I'm standing across the room, and there's something on the other side that I need, I'll sometimes reach out and check, one more time, to see if I've got the Force.

Thongs on Parade

I was told once that if you go to a European waterpark, everyone - men and women - arrive wearing only a thong. I heard this a long time ago, while still in the throngs of puberty, when such news made Europe sound like a little piece of paradise. Since I was probably only thirteen or fourteen, the story unsurprisingly stuck with me.

Maybe you heard such rumors yourself at a young age. If so, I want to take this moment to relieve you of whatever Bacchanalial images you might have. Fact: a European waterpark is a terrifying thing.

I warn you: do not try to picture this. There are sixty-year-old women in string bikinis. There are seventy-year-old women sunbathing topless. And every single male, from the toddlers to the centurians, are wearing Speedos. Usually thong-style Speedos.

Now, if I were to be parading around often in a Speedo, I would likely pay closer attention to things like my weight, my muscle tone, and the evenness of my tan. While it is to their credit that the Romanians don't hassle themselves with matters like this, it is still the most petrifying sight I have ever witnessed.

I have never been so happy to take off my glasses in my life.

Dates and Superpowers

Your Results...
Your dating skills are AVERAGE!

You scored a 69 out of a possible 100 points. You’re pretty good with the ladies, but you can be intimidated by a woman who is exceptionally attractive. There are some women out there that you consider to be “out of your league”.

Sometimes when you see a woman you’d like to approach you become immobilized with fear, and by the time you figure out what to say, she's gone…

Super-Strength
Hercules. He-man. You. That's right, welcome to the pantheon of unbelievably strong folks. The good news is there's nothing you can't lift/break/crush/mangle/throw/generally destroy. The bad news is that you'll immediately be the first one people will call to move any single thing around their house.

Hey, I've heard that before...

I'd see it.

I suppose after two weeks away, I should update about important things: how the films are coming, how life is out here, funny anecdotes. Instead, here's this: a trailer for Kubrick's "The Shining" like you've never seen it before.*

I've watched it three times, and each time I can't stop laughing hysterically when Peter Gabriel starts playing.

* Keep in mind, it's actually only funny if you have seen it before.