Review: Juno (2007)

I only in the vaguest sense remember covering archetypes during my college years, whether it was during film school or Western Lit or a composition course, I don't recall. Something something Beowulf begat Lord of the Rings begat Star Wars begat Carl Jung droning on and on begat the Meyers-Briggs test begat this breathtakingly dull course, and so on. I wasn't particularly intrigued until it brought up Star Wars, and then only long enough to copy down someone else's notes befor falling asleep again (I slept a lot in college). But I did store the fact that an archetype (n., ar·che·type) is, as Jung put it, innate universal psychic dispositions that form the substrate from which the basic themes of human life emerge. Or, less boorishly, a generic personality on whose framework we hang the basic themes of life.

It is certainly possible (and likely preferable) to talk about Juno and not address character archetypes, but I just don’t have any desire to. Juno is a sweet, delicate comedy about a girl named Juno (Ellen Page) who gets pregnant, keeps the baby, and makes plans to give it to a successful, beautiful couple who have no children. Hijinks do not ensue. There, I covered the plot, let’s talk about archetypes. Jung would be so proud, the pompous Swiss bastard.

A good portion of the reviews I’ve read of Juno focus on the fact that the film hands us characters we’ve seen before: popular best friends, geeky love interests, clueless parents, etc., then turns them on their head (though not literally, it’s not that sort of comedy), but I disagree. I don’t think the film (and by extension, screenwriter Diablo Cody and director Jason Reitman, whose efforts here I’ll address in a moment) are actively flipping these characters so that they do what we don’t expect, I think we’ve trained ourselves to believe that movie characters can only behave in certain patterns, and that whenever characters move in directions opposite of the ones which we have unconsciously charted for them, we read it as the creators playing with convention, without considering that the creators may have abandoned convention altogether.

There are only so many classic archetypes in literature - the Shadow, the Child, the Self, the Wisecracking Sidekick, Woody Allen, and the Top Hat all spring to mind as I recall my college notes - but we’ve adapted or created a large number for our film culture. Many are recognizable on sight; cinema is filled with the perfect girl who can’t see past her own feelings of inadequacy, the charismatic man who can’t learn to commit until the girl of his dreams is almost gone, the plucky underdog who needs to prove his worth to himself, and whatever the hell you'd call what Steve Zahn does. I don’t mean to dismiss archetypes in this column because archetypes are important, they help us relate to the story and to each other, which is why they’ve lasted so long. Luke Skywalker is an archetype, which is why so many people grow up believing, subconsciously (and sometimes consciously), that they’re just like him, a lonely kid with big dreams but even bigger, unrealized potential. God knows I believe it, and that’s without even getting into my deeply held belief that if I keep trying hard enough, I’ll discover I have the Force and won’t have to get up to grab the remote anymore.

The truth is that the characters of these movies don’t fit these molds because they’re real people. They're not actually real people, because this is not a documentary, not that anyone would see a documentary about a pregnant teenager, not even if it was filled with quaint indie acoustic songs, but my point is that they're like real people. They feel like real people. They don’t always act in absolute accordance to their beliefs, they get upset when they should be sympathetic, they have strange quirks that make us uncertain if we’d really want to spend a lot of time around them. Quirks are supposed to unequivocally draw you to or drive you from a character, so that their obsessive train-set hobby or love for abandoned parakeets tells you whether or not this is someone we should be rooting for, but Juno never lets you off that easy. The characters' interests are never metaphors for larger parts of their characters, they’re just pieces of who they are. Which makes it so much more moving when you see a character do the right thing, because there’s never any way to know, really, what they were going to do otherwise. We know, we always know, that Matthew McConaughey will get the girl at the end of the movie because he’s a charismatic man who can’t learn to commit, but he loves dogs and helps his autistic nephew win an archery competition, and so he’s bound to win her over a few minutes before her boat sails for the Galapagos. Here, we’re never quite certain.

Early in the movie, Juno treks to an abortion clinic and is accosted out front by a girl from her school who tells her that the baby inside of her has fingernails. We know, because we know what sort of movie this is, that Juno will not abort the baby, but to see her suddenly light up at the prospect that the fetus inside her has fingernails isn’t just a revelation to her, it’s a revelation to us. She leaves the clinic and we see, in that moment, another side of Juno; and the great part about this movie is that we get characters who have more than just two sides, so that we can continue discovering, the whole movie long, who these people are.

Juno – the character, not the movie – would probably be interpreted as part of the Skywalker mold in a traditional film critique, an adaptation of the plucky hero, but I think, if you had to put her into a box, she’s more like the perfect girl. Juno pretends to be clever and impulsive and unique and is too inadequate to realize that underneath she really is clever and impulsive and unique, and brave, and thoughtful, and wise. She never realizes it either, not even at the end, which is what makes her so attractive as a main character – we, too, would like to believe that we have brilliant qualities visible to everyone else but hidden eternally from us. Perhaps that’s Juno’s archetype, if such an archetype exists.

I’ve been reading Cluck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, and there’s a section in it where he addresses, albeit briefly, the notion of archetypes in popular culture.

“The character of Angela on ABC’s short-lived drama My So-Called Life was Byzantine and unpredictable and emotionally complex, and all that well-crafted nuance made her seem like an individual. But Angela was so much an individual that she wasn’t like anyone but herself; she didn’t reflect any archetypes. She was real enough to be interesting, but too real to be important.

What’s interesting about the quote is that when Klosterman wrote it several years ago, it seemed truer than it is now. But My So-Called Life has stuck with popular culture better than Saved By The Bell (the show Klosterman was reviewing at the time), and is undergoing a bit of a revival right at the moment (a DVD box set was just released, and ABC is currently screening old episodes on their website). The show has proved to be more lasting not because it is better – though it certainly is – but because Angela was so real that it took us a long time to realize that she was important, and viewers related to her strongly because she was so much of an individual that it took us years to recognize that this made her just like us.

The wonder of Juno is that each character is so well-defined in their humanity that the decisions they make, both correct and incorrect, never seem out of place with who they really are, and yet each decision made moves the story speedily along. Diablo Cody, through Reitman’s direction and the stalwart performances of these actors, has made people so real that the smallest glance and hesitation explains volumes about who they really are, which is why these reviewers who spent the movie unconsciously filling in the gaps of their personalities with archetypes are so surprised at the end by the actions of the characters, when a closer observation would’ve revealed how true each action is the character we’ve seen developed the whole length of the film.

Indeed, I wondered if they managed to notice the characters at all. Most of the reviews heap praise on the film but – because every reviewer has to point out a flaw in every film in order to prove that they have liberal arts degree – they mention how the film is “fast-talking” or has “dialogue like a sugar rush,” or mentions an abundance of teen-speak and slang-heavy conversations, as if it's a good film held back by its desire to be too hip for the room. I make the opposite case, that the film is actually quite sparse in its use of dialogue. Truth be told, the exchanges sometimes move at a whip-fast pace, with Page in particular running her lines at a head-spinning rate. But the pace is never a stylistic choice, always a character one: Juno speaks so quickly to hide her uncertainty behind a solid wall of snark. But in the more delicate moments, Reitman and Cody know that the slightest hint will suffice.

There’s a part in the film where, upon meeting Juno, the adoptive mother (Jennifer Garner) says to her “Some people are born to be certain things; I was born to be a mother.” In that one line, with her tone and her smile and her posture, Garner conveys everything. Without another word, we understand that her whole life has been leading up to this moment, that the last five years have involved endless trying and fertility tests and nights spent lying awake and constant tension between her and her husband, yet Garner says the line with such hope that you understand that she really believes she was meant for this, that this has always been who she was meant to become. All with just one line.

Jason Reitman directs this film with the same effortless capability he showed in Thank You For Smoking, a movie he both wrote and directed. Tellingly, he focuses just as intently on what’s being said here as he did when it was his own words he was translating to screen. Reitman knows that this isn’t dialogue like a sugar rush; that every line matters, because he doesn’t have any archetypes for these people to hide behind. Here, the characters have to speak for themselves.

And the wonder of it is that, in a diluted world of lazy filmmaking, they actually do.

Four and a half stars out of five.

The Iowa Caucus Makes Me Miss Josh Lyman

Watching the Iowa Caucus on TV - this is true - made me want to watch "The West Wing" again. I don't know what that says about me, that watching real-life political events makes me miss Bradley Whitford and Martin Sheen starring in fake ones, but it can't be good. And yet I guarantee I'll be stopping by a Best Buy sometime this week to pick up the first season. The urge is just that strong.

Man, wait 'til New Hampshire, I'm gonna end up having long viewing marathons every night, like some sort of crazy binging addict. I bet I'll be finishing the third season by the time we get to Super Tuesday.

Excuse me, Super Duper Tuesday.

Welcome To The Captain

My new thrilling discovery is that Fran Kranz - the goofy kid who starred in Jake Kasdan's The TV Set as the terrible actor the studio loves who ruins David Duchovny's pilot - apparently did such a fine job ruining that pilot that CBS has cast him in an actual pilot. They're very different: The TV Set had a show called "The Wexford Chronicles" about a writer who comes home, whereas "Welcome To The Captain" is about a writer who thinks about coming home but, uh, doesn't. Here's the link.

In other news, I sent a fawning e-mail to ESPN's fantasy expert, Matthew Berry, which he then published. Most people would be embarrassed to link to this, but I am apparently pretty shameless. I'm down on the bottom.

Something to fill my heart with joy this holiday season

You know - of course you know - that nothing gives me greater pleasure than a big movie gone truly terribly wrong. The idea of a company investing $180 million dollars into a movie and nobody ever saying "Hey! This script is written by the same guy who wrote 'Mannequin IV!'" is one of the brilliant ironies for which America should become better known. I mean, certainly it can be disappointing to discover that the epic series you've been following ends in a sniveling whimper of misguided plot decisions and dizzyingly off-putting effects, but when you enter a theater knowing that what you're in for is an example of ham-fisted storytelling and breathtaking jumps in logic, what more could you ask for on a rainy Saturday afternoon? Buy popcorn and bring a friend along who also can't help but smile whenever Chris O'Donnell tries an accent. You won't regret it.

Certainly from the preceding paragraph you would be expecting this post to be about National Treasure: Book of Secrets, and yes, that post is coming, though I haven't yet seen what's sure to be a glorious piece of cinematic goobledygook. But, incredibly, there is a movie approaching which looks almost certain to eclipse Nat'l Trez: BS as the finest example of how everything gone wrong in Hollywood sometimes makes everything feel oh so right. That movie is In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Film. It comes out in January 18th, it'll be in every theater near you, and it's going to be terrible. I mean, so godawful that you won't be able to believe it, you won't even be able to breathe. If you doubt that it could in fact be as bad as I say, follow along with me for a moment as I break this movie down and show you just how mystifyingly stupid this film is destined, even guaranteed, to be.

First things first: let's take a look at the director.

The Director
It's directed by Uwe Boll. If that doesn't make you gasp with a combination of horror and wonderment, keep reading. Uwe Boll is, to put it nicely, the worst director in the history of cinema. To be fair, though, the earth has yet to implode into a little ball, so it is still possible he could be unseated. But it is not likely.

What's incredible about Uwe Boll movies is not just that they are bad, but that he consistently can find investors to keep making them. Video gaming is the biggest new market in the world, a much bigger business than Hollywood, and Boll only does adaptations of video games, so it seems impossible that he would be unable to tap into even a very small section of that market. And yet, against ludicrous odds for success, he fails anyway. His most recent film, BloodRayne, cost $30 million and made $2.5 million, not a great return. Boll has one sequel for BloodRayne already in the works, and is beginning funding projects for a third film. All his investors are reportedly German, and also apparently not too bright.

And his movies are not too-hip-for-the-room artsy flicks. All three of his video game adaptations are on IMDB's Bottom 100 Films list, and Rob Vaux once stated that his first adaptation, Alone In The Dark, should make all other bad movie directors feel better in comparison: "'It's okay,' they'll tell themselves, 'I didn't make Alone in the Dark.'"

This is the man who once rejected a proposed script adaptation for reasons that included "not enough car chases." This is the man who blames the poor commercial performance of his video game adaptations not on his own inability to direct, but on his distribution company, Romar, and has filed a lawsuit against them as a result. This is the man who, whenever he publicly expresses interest in making a movie out of a certain video game, the producers of that game have a press conference to announce "We would never let Uwe Boll do that. Ever." This is the man who sent an email to Wired after a nasty review of Postal, explaining that the reviewer didn't "understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it." He explained later that he wasn't mad about the review, but just angry at the reviewer personally.

This is the man who gave all the critics who panned his movie the opportunity to fly out to his house, and - I'm serious here - box him. "Put up or shut up," said Boll. Incredibly, all five critics he specifically invited to fight him actually decided that they would. When film critics actually physically want to hurt you, and are willing to spend their own money in order to get at you, then yes, you are the worst director of all time. All five critics arrived expecting some sort of publicity stunt where they would take a few swings and get their pictures taken. Instead, Boll took each of them into the ring, one by one, and beat the snot out of all of them.

This is the man who directed this movie. How excited am I?

The Cast
Uwe Boll movies are usually not particularly well cast, but this one is a stunner. Jason Statham stars as a lowly peasant pressed into great things by fate. Statham is, naturally, completely unfit for this role, but he's always said he's the sort of actor who's game for anything with a lot of action and sex in it, and this movie certainly seems to fit that category. I like Statham, so I won't fault him for this choice. Even though it's bound to set him back in Hollywood a bit, I don't think he cares. I only have pity for a man whose longtime girlfriend once broke up with him for Billy Zane. I'll let him have his nonsense role in this and I won't pick on him, even though he's playing a character named "Farmer Daimon," for chrissakes.

More amazing - breathtaking, really - is the presence of Ray Liotta as an evil magician. You might know Ray Liotta as the main character in Goodfellas, an excellent film that opened 17 years ago, or as Shoeless Joe in Field of Dreams, which opened 18 years ago. You might also remember him in aggravating supporting roles in aggravating films like Heartbreakers, Operation Dumbo Drop, or Narc, with which he has bombarded us ever since. If that doesn't help, you might remember him from playing a mobster in every mobster film that's been released in the past 17 years, up to and including video games and documentaries (I could not have made that up. That is fact). You might even, unfortunately, remember him playing Frank Sinatra in that TV "Rat Pack" movie. Regardless of whether you remember him in any of those roles, but what is certain is that at no point in the last twenty years have you said to yourself "y'know, if you put a polo shirt and a leather bathrobe on that guy, he could be a killer evil magician named Gallian." You know how amazed I am at this? I'm even amazed that Uwe Boll thought of this. That's how amazed I am.

But not nearly as amazed as the idea of Burt Reynolds as the devilish King Konreid. I mean, I'm amazed at the idea of naming a character "King Konreid," but casting Burt Reynolds is beyond my ken. I think I have reasoned out Uwe Boll's thought process, though:

Master Director Uwe Boll: "Hey - who was the king in that Robin Hood movie?"
Whoever The Hell Uwe Boll Bounces Ideas Off Of: "Sean Connery."
MDUB: "Think we could get him to do this?"
WTHUBBIOO: "No. Lord, no."
MDUB: "Well, let's get someone who looks like him, then. Who looks like Sean Connery?"
WTHUBBIOO: "Uh... nobody, really."
MDUB: "Burt Reynolds kind of looks like him, right?"
WTHUBBIOO: "Not really, no. Not at all, actually. They both have whitish beards, though."
MDUB: "Good enough. C'mon, I bet we can this thing cast before this strip club closes."

I might have some of the phrasing off a little - it's possible Boll mentioned the name of the actual strip club they were attending - but that's certainly close.

Now, at this point, you must be saying to yourself, "isn't there some flailing young actress whose career has gone in the toilet who'll be willing to play the female lead just to get some sort of publicity, however putrid?" Well, then, you must be reading my mind, because this film also stars Leelee Sobieski.

"Leelee Sobieski?" you say. "Say, she was in... that movie a long time ago!" Right on! Sobieski once had a blossoming film career, from her Lolita-ish moment in the sun with Tom Cruise in Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut (note to parents: it would have been wise to stop letting your kids act in Stanley Kubrick movies), all the way to her Emmy nod for being Joan of Arc, Sobieski's career arrived in 1998 and disappeared in 2001. A string of brave failures (Les Liaisons dangereuses is always a gutsy call) combined with mindless flops (Joy Ride, The Glass House, and most painfully, with Nicholas Cage in The Wicker Man), Sobieski's career has descended to the point that she is now most famous for her disastrous performance on the Tonight Show of a poem she wrote about 9/11, entitled "This Day and all the Rest." Howard Stern likes to play the audio of this performance on his show whenever he's feeling down and needs a laugh. I honestly can't imagine an actress who needs a movie, any movie, more than Sobieski, with the obvious exception of Sean Young, or maybe Claire Forlani, who... wait... is actually in this movie as well.

You may be suspecting by now that while most actors would like to wash the taste out of their mouths after doing a Uwe Boll movie, surely somebody would be willing to stick it out and appear in more than one. Of course that person would also have to be crazy. Presenting Kristanna Loken.

Loken is best known for getting naked to play the most recent Terminator, the "Terminatrix" (clever!) in T3: Rise of the Machines, but you might remember her as one of the main characters in, yes, BloodRayne. She's also starred in such luminosities as Rise of the Nibelungs (who names these movies?) and the TV show based on the Mortal Combat game. A full 70% of her Wikipedia article concerns debate whether or not she is bisexual, which I think gives us a fairly accurate barometer of her acting chops. Naturally, she has also guested on The L Word (it may, in fact, be illegal in California to be a possibly lesbian actress in Hollywood and not appear on the show. We have seen no evidence to the contrary).

You might have realized by now that In The Name of the King is supposed to conjure up a certain other epic movie series concerning swords, kings, evil sorcerers, everyday people being called to quests, and big orc-like monsters fighting in the rain, but in case the trailer didn't give that away, there's an actual actor from The Lord of the Rings in this movie. Presenting John Rys-Davies, better known as Gimli! He seems to be playing a wise, sage-like advisor who guides Statham, Sobieski, and Loken on their quest, though it's possible he's simply been digitally cut out of the Rings movies and inserted here.

Finally, and most wonderfully, Matthew Lilliard is in this movie. Yes, Matthew Lilliard. The killer boyfriend in Scream. The street-smart hacker from Hackers. The man who made both Seth Green and Dax Shepard look like a serious thespians in Without A Paddle. And, of course, the man who made us gasp in disbelief at his picture-perfect interpretation of Shaggy in Scooby-Doo and Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. He's here too, playing a character named "Duke Fallow." My cup runneth over.

The Trailer
This trailer is sure to be the best minute and twenty-nine seconds of your day. Let me break this down for you, second-by-second:

:01 We get our first glance at Uwe Boll's logo, letting us know just what we're in for. The trailer company has chosen to let it only appear for .3 seconds, so that most viewers are hopefully still blinking and saying "wait, is this another trailer?"

:08 Shots of a bell tower ringing, orc-like things rustling in the bush, and Jason Statham looking bravely worried, and also looking like he spent about 14 seconds of preparation to look like a peasant. A voiceover of another character explains the situation - pillagers approaching - to somebody named "Crug." Crug is not in the cast list, so we can safely assume he'll die in this early battle.

:09 The first of many exact replicas of Lord of the Ring orc costumes appears on screen. The entire pillaging sequence continues for another five seconds, all of which is shot exactly as it appears in The Two Towers, including an exact match for the whirling overhead helicopter shot. That movie was a full five years ago, though, so I'm sure Boll can safely assume everyone's forgotten about it at this point.

:13 Our first shot of what I'm 85% certain is a rebuilt model of Minas Morgul, shot with slightly different lighting so no one will notice the similarities. The craning establishing shot is also the exact same as in Lord of the Rings. We also get our first bit of voiceover from Rhys-Davies, explaining, "I believe it was Gallian. He has fallen into madness," a line that seems obviously unoriginal and yet eerily prescient for this film. We also get our first shot of Ray Liotta, who has chosen to stick with the mobster hair for the film, looking like he has just suffered a concussion. Also, a shot of the flaming orc mines, which I am at least 90% sure was simply lifted from the Isengard sequence of The Two Towers directly. I'm not sure, at this point, what I find more alarming - that Boll is stealing so dramatically from the Rings movies or that he only seems to own the second one.

:17 Our first shot of the graphics, which is typed in the Papyrus font, all uppercase. "FATE... WILL CALL HIM." Someone was paid $10,000 dollars to do graphics that I could have done in 34 seconds.

:20 Jason Statham speaks for the first time. Brave choice, keeping that Cockney accent. But, I suppose that's what the character of Farmer Daimon would sound like, what with living out here in the wilderness.

:24 "ENEMIES... WILL SURROUND HIM." I'm trying to place which Rings movie the soundtrack is from at this point. I think that... yes, it's The Two Towers.

:26 Ray Liotta summons a great storm before him and sends it out against Statham. Hey, a Fellowship reference! Excellent!

:29 Rhys-Davies announces "the King has been poisoned." Ah, well, I guess we won't get that much Burt Reynolds in this one. That's disappointing.

:30 A shot of Liotta with a bunch of books flying wildly around him. I have tried to think up a logical explanation for this and failed.

:31 Rhys-Davies notes that "Gallian is raising armies. Vast armies." Four quick shots fly by, including one of orcs running in the rain that I'm seriously at least 98% sure is in fact lifted from The Two Towers. I am not kidding about this.

:35 "ALLIES... WILL JOIN HIM." Phew.

:37 Our first shot of Sobieski. She's wearing... yes... her Joan of Arc armor. Elvish people decend on large ropes that are supposed to look like vines but look quite patently like ropes. I am not hopeful for Statham at this point.

:38 Shots of Statham fighting hundreds of Uruk-hai all by himself. Those allies made it through less than a second of screen time. Statham is likely in real trouble at this point.

:39 Kristanna Loken, wearing Peter Pan hair, announces "Those who you fight - we will help you fight them," which is good, because it does appear that Sobieski and the elf-people are not going to be particularly useful. This is also helpful because Loken will be helping Statham fight those who he is fighting, as opposed to those who he is not fighting, which might have been the problem with that last group.

:42 "AND AN EPIC BATTLE... WILL BEGIN." Hopefully, against those with whom he is fighting.

:44 Rhys-Davies explains "A small force might slip through." Now that is an original idea. Shots of Statham and his A-Team walking along New Zealand-y mountaintops, then gathered gazing at a burning Minas Morgul. The music, thankfully, has switched over to "royalty-free standard trailer music."

:48 We get our first shot of Rhys-Davies actually talking, by which we can safely assume that at some point during the movie, he has an incredibly long scene of exposition to move us to the next part of the movie. Inexplicably, he has chosen to have Farrah Fawcett hair for this role.

:49 A low-angle shot of the Uruk-hai attacking Helm's Deep. 95% certain this is stolen.

:50 Quick shot of Ray Liotta levitating a sword in front of him, then fighting Statham in hand-to-hand combat with sword in hand. Liotta seems to be able to do a lot of showy magic but has yet to cause any actual damage with it. Perhaps he's merely an illusionist, or perhaps Boll hasn't figured out how to adapt special effects into an actual storyline. His expressions in these shots leads me to believe he's getting stoned before each shooting day, whatever the case.

:52 I discover that Brian White is in this movie as well. He used to play in the NFL, which is more than enough acting training for a Uwe Boll movie. He's also black, so, hey! Diversity! Boll strikes me as one of those directors who adds a black character just under the mistaken impression this will bring in gigantic black audiences, like Gary Dourdan on "CSI," except that the strategy doesn't work on "CSI." Also, Gary Dourdan is a really good actor, so that's another difference.

:55 Ray Liotta casts a spell at the camera. His face turns purple, and it looks like he's about to vomit. Is it possible that the climax of this movie will involve Liotta throwing a million ineffectual spells at Statham, then passes out? One can only hope.

:56 More books swirling, this time around Statham, as they seem to have caught him in a spinning tower of knowledge. It's like a spell from the Ben Franklin Little Book of Charms. How is this your go-to spell when fighting an arch-enemy? Harry Potter learned cooler spells in Herbology class.

:58 Statham notes that "The king called upon you to face death." I'd like to point out that the king is, in fact, dead at this point, so it's all really kind of moot, right?

:59 The Emperor sends Luke to the floor, screaming in pain at the blue lightning coming from his hands. It's official, Uwe Boll has seen more than two movies.

1:00 Our first shot of Matthew Lilliard, with an unimpressive beard, giving Brian White the bug-eyes. It appears Lilliard will be some sort of villain in this movie. All hail the evil Duke Fallow!

1:01 "IN THE NAME OF HONOR." No one involved in this movie has anything of the kind. C'mon guys, open up. You can admit it to yourselves. The sooner you come to terms with it, the less likely you are to break down in tears when Conan asks you what the hell you're doing in this movie.

1:02 Statham yells inspiringly "Tonight, we dress our wounds!" Who let these people get injured and not dress their wounds? What kind of terrible leader is this Farmer Daimon?

1:05 Random fighting shots. "...bury our dead!" continues Statham. William Wallace has nothing on this guy. Didn't Uwe Boll see Braveheart? How is it possible Uwe Boll did not see Braveheart?

1:06 "IN THE NAME OF FREEDOM." Ah, there's the shout-out.

1:08 "Tomorrow, we gouge evil from its shell!" Wait, so we aren't doing anything today? We're gonna wait 'til tonight, dress our wounds, bury our dead, then up bright and early to gouge evil from it's shell? Should we work on a good fight song or find Sobieski some armor that isn't from the 1400's or something?

1:09 Rhys-Davies appears to also be some sort of magician. He casts an invisible spell that does nothing. Its like all their sorcerers have an attack of -7.

1:10 Introducing Claire Forlani, peasant girl, with plunging neckline. In the meantime, it appears Sobieski has gotten new armor! It's gold, and has a gigantic silver cape. In the race to see who will lose more credibility in this movie, Forlani seems, sadly, to have pulled slightly ahead, even though that cape looks ridiculous.

1:11 Liotta seems to have crucified Statham on a wall of swirling books. Wait, is Statham perhaps a Christ figure in this movie? And are books a metaphor for... evil? What goes on in Uwe Boll's head?

1:15 "IN THE NAME OF THE KING - A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE." Some parts of the title are bigger than others, and the text glistens slightly, but it's still written in Papyrus. So, 3 minutes in Final Cut. That's another $25,000 down the drain.

1:26 "JANUARY 18TH 2008 - WWW.INTHENAMEOFTHEKING.COM." Sign me the hell up.

Here's a link to the trailer. Take a look, and be filled with wonderment. I'll see you in line.

In all serious, though, who's going? I am not showing up to this thing alone.

A Very Merry Christmas To You

I'm sitting here watching Christmas movies to try to catch the Holiday Spirit before five consecutive pressure-packed services grinds it clean out of me (last year was particularly unpleasant). I do love Christmas, so I'm always hopeful about a day like this in spite of circumstances.

I did get an early Christmas present, though. You might remember a few posts from September - perhaps this one - bemoaning the disastrous fantasy football season of my team, the Yardbirds. I'd never played fantasy football before and I'd made some awfully foolhardy moves (backup RB Tatum Bell for superstar WR Chad Johnson? 14 weeks later, I can't believe I ever thought that one was wise. Embarrassingly, I bragged about it at the time. Yeesh). It was not unusual for me to drop a player early in the week and pick him up later. I ended up making more waiver moves than the next top two teams combined. I lost the first two games rather convincingly, and it didn't look like my team was going anywhere. However, I made a amazingly daring prediction, considering my situation:

"I want to win a fantasy championship my first year out. In fact, I'm going to win a fantasy championship my first year out."

After a shaky start, I finished the year 7 and 6, snuck into the playoffs as the seventh of eight seeds facing the number two seed, a team I'd lost to just the week prior. Things didn't look promising, but I made adjustments every week of the playoffs, despite massive injuries - I lost my best QB in the first round and my best rusher in the second:



Through luck and smart choices, I made it through to the title game. One of my QBs got knocked out in the first quarter, his backup went on to score 46 points that game, not that it helped me any. My best running back (the league's leading rusher) broke his leg on the first play, netting me a grand total of one point. I thought I had no chance. But everyone else kept coming through for me, and the gambles that I took as a result of the injuries (Dominic Rhodes, Steve Smith, Joshua Cribbs) came up aces.

Here's the opposing team's total:

And here's me:

I tell ya, it feels mighty good. A Merry Christmas to all!