It is just now occurring to me that Rove guaranteed an Obama landslide because he still thinks if Obama supporters don't show up to the polls, McCain can win it. Huh.
Hulk No Vote! Hulk Smash Things!
Someone polled comic book writers to see which candidate each superhero would vote for. Sounds fun, right? Except, of course, the writers really just said the candidate that they would vote for and ascribed it to those characters. So, while it is perhaps likely that Tony Stark (Iron Man) would vote Obama, it seems less likely that Bruce Banner (The Hulk), John Constantine, and all of the X-Men would as well. In fact, it appears that virtually every superhero would vote for Obama, with the Punisher voting for Bob Barr (because he doesn't play by the rules!) and a couple voting for Nader, while McCain and Cynthia McKinney each snagged one vote apiece.
This brings me to my final election question - I have read hundreds of Obama endorsements by bands and movie stars and magazines and web sites and goodness knows what else, and I have read exactly one noteworthy McCain endorsement: Heidi Montag.
So, is there anything, absolutely anything, less cool than endorsing John McCain?
Exploding Toilets
A few days ago, the apartment complex shut off the water to my apartment in order to do some repairs. By the time I returned to my apartment that night, the pipes had all been fixed and the water was running normally. However, at about midnight I flushed the toilet again and a large pocket of air made a break for it through my commode. There was a sudden roaring noise followed by what I can only describe as what I’d always thought a toilet vomiting might sound like. The air burst into the water tank, made a small chugging noise, then – nothing.
By this time, of course, I was bravely cowering on the other side of the room in desperate hope that my toilet was not about to explode. Once I realized that the danger – such as it was – had passed and there was nothing to worry about, it occurred to me that I had read entirely too much Dave Barry as a child, and this fact was now coming around to bite me. There is only so many times you can be linked to articles like this during your formative years without that making a strong impression on you, and now I seem to suffer from some permanent repressed fear of toilet combustion. This might be the sort of thing that leads me to humiliate myself as I hurl myself to safety behind the hand dryers in some public restroom.
On the other hand, this just might be the sort of caution that saves my life.
The Rationality Project
Part of my Sunday morning responsibilities at the church include getting the donuts and bagels and kolaches for the media team. I have probably done this task a hundred times now, but today was different. Before I can load up a box to take back, I have to empty one and set the donuts out on the table. Today I was doing this and looked down to discover that I had emptied the box from left to right instead of from right to left. I had never done this before. I now tried to refill the box from the opposite side to discover that I almost… couldn’t. My natural inclination to put each item in the exact space I always had was overpowering. An easy task had suddenly become bewilderingly difficult.
This reminded me of a piece by AJ Jacobs I had recently read called “The Rationality Project” about how Jacobs was trying to force himself to go against his natural grain and break all of his cognitive biases, a project he started after realizing the vast illogic of his daily life:
"Your brain is programmed to be bigoted and confirm stereotypes. It’s easily fooled by anecdotal evidence. Or a pretty face. Or a guy in a uniform. It’s a master of rationalization. It believes what it hears. It overreacts. It’s hopelessly incompetent at distinguishing fact from fiction.Jacobs, naturally, fails wildly at this, but of course that’s the point. Jacobs is a man of near-paralyzing obsessive-compulsive disorder, and as a reaction to this, he enjoys messing with his neuroses by channeling them outward. His two best sellers, The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically, are both nothing more than carefully documented experiments into the living lives other than his own – lives free of his own obsessions as he tries on the obsessions of others.I’ve had enough. I’m going to try to revamp my brain. Bring it into the modern era. I’m going to root out all the irrational biases and Darwinian anachronisms and retrain my brain to be a perfectly rational machine. I will be the most logical man alive, unswayed by unconscious impulses.”
Having read both books – and in case you hadn’t gathered, this is all a roundabout way of getting to a requested post from my brother - I’m entranced by the concept. Jacobs throws himself into each yearlong project with unforced enthusiasm, with the knowledge that his weaknesses are ultimately his strengths. His compulsions keep his nose to the grindstone because work feels less like work when it becomes an obsession. He enjoys seeing what it’s like to experience something to its ultimate degree: a lesser writer would read all of the A’s in the encyclopedia in order to write a magazine piece, but Jacobs spends a year reading the whole encyclopedia in order to see how his life changes.
I enjoyed both The Know-It-All and The Year of Living Biblically, but I preferred Living Biblically because it of course hits closer to home for me. It’s hard to see concepts inscribed in ancient times have any effect in the modern world, so its cathartic to see someone else try to transpose those questions (“who is my neighbor?”) into a modern setting (“who is my neighbor when I’m stuck behind the Loud Phone Talker at Starbucks? What if I were to cut him into 13 pieces and send him to every cell phone service in America? Would that be acceptable?”). Plus, Jacobs has a fine sense of his own ridiculousness, so when discussing his own foibles, nothing seems off-limits. For example, in this latest article he puts duct tape over his glasses in order to avoid seeing the his waitress so that how attractive she is doesn’t affect how he tips. Now, picture this guy trying to obey every rule in Leviticus.
10-4GB Recommends: The Know-It-All and The Year Of Living Biblically.
Houston Astros Vs. Texas Rangers
I’ve missed my imaginary deadline, but we’re getting close to the end of the post requests. So even though all-request post month has continued on beyond the end of the month, we will finish them all.
The Astros and the Rangers are one of the few examples of competitive teams that operate in the same state without having any sort of real rivalry with each other. In fact, though I am certain both Astros fans and Rangers fans would argue this point, neither team has any sort of major rivalries of any kind. Whenever a divisional rival comes to town, there’s a small uptick in fanbase excitement, but nothing out of the ordinary – a good measuring stick is if your fanbase gets more enthused about a matchup with the Yankees than it does about a matchup with your “rival,” then you don’t have a rival.
Still, a lot of that is brought about by the fact that until quite recently, the Rangers and Astros never played each other. Interleague play has allowed the teams to start facing off against each other, and so hopefully a rivalry would begin to flourish. Rivalries are good for teams. It helps foster team spirit, increases attendance, and makes even unsuccessful seasons have moments worth getting excited about. This is why college football has so many rivalries – for hundreds of teams, there’s nothing else all year to care about.
The Rangers/Astros rivalry games have been dubbed “The Lone Star Series,” since it would look good on a TBS promo, and each year the winner gets a large silver boot as a trophy to take home and unenthusiastically display. Also, it gives TBS something to run graphics on top of when it gets back from a commercial break (“Coming up on TBS… Those crazy cops are still up to their hijinks! It’s Police Academy 3! Then - the rest of that Steve Harvey episode we accidentally played during the ALCS! Right here on TBS. Very funny.”). While the winner of this series decides who gets the boot each year, it doesn’t decide which baseball team is more awesome. No, that’s for me to decide. Right now.
Ballpark:
Scope!
Word is you can see the drug busts from the 3rd base upper deck. Minute Maid Park, however, is a bit of a bandbox, full of quirks and gimmicks. From Tal’s hill – a sharp incline at the end of centerfield leading up to a bizarrely in-play flagpole – to the cream-colored arches overlooking left field, to the replica train (part of the ballpark used to be a train station) above the wall that chugs back and forth after every home run, towing behind it what looks like a boxcar full of pumpkins (they’re actually oranges), the park gives fans plenty to marvel at. A giant roof encases the field most of the year – living in Houston necessitates it – but when open it provides a clear view out into the city, giving the nosebleed seats in particular a spectacular view. However, when closed, Minute Maid loses much of its charm, and feels closer to what it is: an almost new park (built in 2000 and unfortunately titled Enron Field) crowded with knick-knacks that haven’t been around long enough to cause anyone nostalgia. Still, with the roof open, Minute Maid is one of the premier parks in baseball, so: the Astros get points for upside while the Rangers get points for scope and consistency. Advantage: Tied.
Location:
Good thing we got here early enough to miss traffic.Not an even remotely difficult choice here. Ranger Stadium is located outside of Arlington, a short drive from Dallas and sits alone on an otherwise bare hill. There is no reason to go out by the stadium for any reason other than a baseball game. That’s not how stadiums should be, unless I’m going to the Field of Dreams field.
It looks more welcoming from down there. Minute Maid is located in downtown Houston, a short walk from dozens of bars and restaurants, a natural piece of Houston’s landscape and skyline. It makes parking a nightmare, but that’s part of the fun – the off chance you find a cheap spot a short walk from the ballpark makes hunting around seem an adventure. Plus, Ranger parking is viciously, unnecessarily expensive, for the simple reason that if you don’t park in their spots, where else are you going to go? Huge Adavantage: Astros.
Team History: Yet another easy one for the Astros, which is a little sad. After all, the Astros have never won a World Series and once had the ugliest uniforms in baseball history:
Yeah, that’s right. Still, the Astros have made it to the playoffs nine times, six since ’97, including a World Series appearance in ’05. Those are good numbers. The Rangers have only appeared in the playoffs three times, have only won one game, and have never won a playoff series – the only team never to do that now that the Rays have come alive. The Rangers are a career 500 games below .500, and they are the oldest franchise in all the four major pro sports leagues to have never appeared in the league's championship. Yeesh. The Astros have retired the number of nine of their players, while the Rangers have only three numbers retired – Jackie Robinson’s (every team is mandated to retire his number), Nolan Ryan (the Astros also have his number retired) and manger Johnny Oates. As a consolation, the Rangers have sent four players to the Hall of Fame to the Astros none, but this is no real prize as it only means they had these players at the very end of their careers. All of them played primarily for other teams, including Ryan, who played approximately twice as long (and several times as effectively) for the Astros. Also, two recently retired Astros, Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio, will also be heading into the hall as soon as they qualify for consideration. Huge Advantage: Astros.
Team Nickname: Rangers has a slight cool factor over the Astros, since Astro sounds a little dorky – you never want your nickname to be primarily famous for being the dog’s name on a Saturday morning cartoon. Also, the Rangers were originally the Senators and wisely changed their name when they arrived in Texas, but the Astros were originally the Colt .45’s and completely illogically chose to abandon the name. I mean, look at this logo:
You would not want to play this team.Such a shame. Advantage: Rangers
Current Team: The Rangers this past year were an interesting team, with half a dozen strong power hitters making things awfully fun to watch. Josh Hamilton’s resurgence from drug addiction, plus Milton Bradley finally realizing his considerable potential, plus a home run-hitting pair of middle infielders, Michael Young and Ian Kinsler. All four made it to the All-Star Game this year, and the Rangers were one of the top run-scoring teams this year. However, their pitching swung from horrendous to atrocious and back again throughout the year, and they finished . The Astros season was more straightforward – they showed spark in the early part of the season, led by a career year by Lance Berkman. Still, they faded early and didn’t come around until late in the season, when it was too late to change their fates. Still, they ended up … and should be in strong contention for a wild card spot next year. They’ve got a slight leg up on the Rangers, and unless Texas drastically improves its pitching, it’s advantage: Astros
Fanbase: Each has its share of crazies, it's share of loyal fans who ride through good and bad seasons, and also its bandwagon fans who only jump on when the team is good, but having been to both stadiums in both situations, I’ve got to give it to the Astros. They have a larger, more passionate fanbase than Texas does, and you feel stronger that the Astros are really their team through thick and thin. I feel the Rangers are probably third in Dallas’ heart, behind the Cowboys and the Mavericks, while the Astros are only in competition with the Rockets for Houston’s affections. Advantage: Astros.
Well, I thought that would end up being much closer that it actually was, assuming at least some of those categories would swing the Rangers’ way, but it’s a pretty clear victory for the Astros. So, when ranking franchises, regardless of how this sad little Lone Star Series turns out, it’s the Astros who are clearly top dog.