Houston Mayoral Race

There are four candidates for Houston Mayor, the election of which is approaching - possibly rapidly, since I don't know when the election actually is (I'm assuming it's in November, but I don't follow these things that closely). I know there are four candidates because there was a mayoral debate on Tuesday and it disrupted all ABC programming during that hour. Fortunately, the show it interrupted was Kelsey Grammer's new show, "Hank," so nobody missed out (and frankly, I would like to elect whoever chose that debate slot to the mayoral position).

The candidates names are Gene Locke, Annise Parker, Roy Moralis, and Peter Brown. Do I know this because I'm a conscientious, well-read Houston area resident who takes an active part in local politics? No, I know this because while at the Animal Hospital today, I read the October issue of Houston Pet Talk, the "definitive source for Houston pet lovers" (I would assume, or at least hope, that there is not much competition for that role).

The magazine had an interview with each candidate on pet-related issues: mandatory spaying, allowing dogs on restaurant patios, the "dire need of change" and "raging controversy" at BARC (I had no idea what BARC was or why there was controversy, and still don't), and so on. So now I know something about each candidate, but only in this one specific area. I was curious to see if that was enough to learn enough about a candidate to vote on. So I extrapolated all of their answers and tried to make fully-realized candidates from their responses.

Peter Brown seemed intelligent and experienced, but lacked the long-time politician manner. He answered all the questions specifically and with a clear understanding of all the issues at hand - he'd clearly done some prep work for this interview. He name-checked a lot of private contractors and volunteer organizations, so I have to assume that he's spent a number of his years on boards of organizations like... the Humane Society, or Habitat For Humanity, stuff like that. He sounds successful - the sort of guy who's been a CEO and is comfortable looking at big-picture stuff.

He was photographed with his black lab, Petra.

 

Gene Locke - also seemed intelligent and comfortable answering the questions, and was very specific in his answers; when asked about when he last visited BARC, he answered "July 10, 2009." The man clearly didn't take the interview lightly. His interview was peppered with phrases like "entrepreneurial spirit" and pushing for to Houston residents to take a more active part in the process. He felt strongly like a self-made man - the sort of guy who had either worked his way up from the bottom, or started his own company that became very successful later on in life. His interview was peppered with many more government references - to task force reports and the like - which made me think he had at least some government experience.

He was photographed with his dog and his wife, neither of whom were named.

Annise Parker - Parker's interview screamed life-long politician. She made numerous references to policies already and place and things that were already working, which made me assume that she already has a role in Houston-area government and is making the leap. She even used the phrase "bully pulpit" when referring to the mayoral position, which assured me that she'd been eyeing this jump for a long time now. Her answers were very knowledgeable, but there was a hint of desperation to them - a lot of insinuating that she'd already done a lot for Houston and was clearly the most experienced person for the job. Though perhaps there I was reading too much into it.

Parker was photographed with her dog and her cat, all three of whom looked extremely uncomfortable and ready to bolt at any moment.

 

Roy Moralis - I could tell little about Moralis other than that he clearly did almost no prep work for this interview and he was considerably less sharp than the other three interviewees. He spoke almost entirely in broad non-specifics and didn't seem to have any grasp on the issues at hand - the interview was full of things like "positive change is needed," "as Mayor, I would take an in-depth look," "I would certainly address specific guidelines," and so on. He seemed entirely out of his depth.

Moralis was photographed with his admittedly handsome golden retriever, and referred to himself as someone who "enjoys pets." Now, that's some low-quality pandering, right there.

 

My early prediction for the Mayoral race? Locke, followed closely by Parker, and then Brown, with Moralis a distant fourth.

In a related note, I will not actually be voting in this election, since I'm clearly not qualified to cast a ballot here.

Sometime later I'll look up all the candidates and see how accurate I was. Unless someone wants to do so for me?

New "FlashForward" Drinking Game

Everytime they "flash forward" to show you a section of someone's vision that you've already seen before, you take a drink.

If you make it through the episode without dying of alchohol poisoning, you get a point.

 

In all seriousness - this episode was much stronger than the previous two. It may actually be finding its rhythm - it moves much smoother when it focuses on the investigation than on his kid's background story, or his wife's possible affair.

Still waiting on Dominic Monaghan, though!

I Can Solve Your Quarterbacking Problem, Sure.

You might've noticed: there's some bad quarterbacking going on in the NFL today. Some really bad quarterbacking. And it's reached the point where the announcers are fully willing to call them out for it; not just for bad plays, but for being terrible quarterbacks, which is unusual in an announcing booth - anyone who's ever seen a game where Brett Favre is playing knows that. All across American, people are turning on JaMarcus Russell, Tony Romo, Jason Campbell - and bizarrely, embracing astoundingly mediocre quarterbacks like Kyle Orton. It's a terribly confusing situation, but fortunately, I've solved part of the problem:

Moustaches.

Seriously. Quarterbacks are supposed to be leaders, supposed to be guys that you can trust, guys teammates look up to. And yet you see half a dozen quarterbacks in the league rocking some truly terrifyingly bad moustaches and playing some truly terrifyingly bad games. Nobody trusts a guy with a moustache. He makes a play call, and his receivers don't hit their routes - they're not taking advice from a man in a moustache. And the offensive line isn't gonna hold up - how hard are you gonna block guys to keep them away from a man with a moustache?  I thought so.

These players aren't seeing the same patterns I am - the key to saving their careers is but a razor blade away.

Consider a man whose career plummeted away from its early promise. Want to see why?

Jake Plummer (2005)

Yeah, that's right. That's an epically bad moustache.

Here's the crazy thing: on the year that Plummer grew this moustache, he had probably the best season of his career - went 13-3 as a starter, threw 18 touchdowns and only 7 picks, and averaged 210 yards a game with a quarterback rating over 90. Those are solid figures right there, the sort of season dozens of teams would want from their starting QB.

After the next season, Plummer was out of the league. These things are not unrelated.

 

 

Now, consider these examples from this season.

Jason Campbell

This one's a no brainer. Campbell's spent his whole career struggling to show "leadership," his coaches and owner constantly undermine him, and - despite the fact that he (famously) never throws interceptions - team management decided not to bring Byron Leftwich because they were worried he was going to take over the locker room. Really, when team management is worried that Byron Leftwich is going to show more leadership than you, it's time to make a change.

 

Side note: this may not be totally Campbells' fault - he does play for an organization that last week brought in a bingo caller to revitalize the offense. You could not make that stuff up.

Kyle Orton (Part 1)

Alright, I couldn't find a picture of Orton with just the moustache, but I did find a couple with the full beard. What Orton does is that he starts every season clean shaven and then lets it go until he's got sort of a half-beard/moustache thing, and then he eventually gets to quasi-beard status. At the same time, his skills slowly decline until he's no longer recognizable as a quarterback.

Let's take a look at the current Orton.

 

 

 

Kyle Orton (Part 2)

See, that man looks like a real quarterback. And he's sort of playing like one, the Broncos are undefeated, and we're seeing debates about whether Orton is a great quarterback or not. It's all a mirage. As the moustache comes in, these debates will disappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matt Hasselbeck (2005)

The Seattle Seahawks still blame their Superbowl defeat on the bad officiating, but I know the truth. It was Matt Hasselbeck's "Playoff Moustache."

It should also be noted that since this point, Hasselbeck's career has never been the same.

 

 

 

Aaron Rodgers (2008)

Rodgers is not having a great season. His Packers are 2-2 and he lost to Brett Favre on Monday Night Football in the most-watched event in cable television history. Yet even though he held the ball too long and got sacked 8 times in that game, the announcers never called him out on it, and you know why?

Because he shaved off the moustache.

 

 

 

 

Now, you might say, "lots of successful quarterbacks had giant moustaches." And it's true. Look at this guy:

Joe Namath

Alright, now that's a man. But that was a different time. It was the 70's. It was loose, relaxed. You could trust a man in a moustache.

You see, the issue is not moustaches. The issue is that a team needs to look at a quarterback and see a guy who you they'd take a bullet to protect. It's the NFL - people get hit so hard they never walk again. You can't have a quarterback who looks like...

 

 

 

 

JaMarcus Russell

This is a man who wears a ski cap on the sidelines regardless of the weather. It was 85 degrees in Houston last week, and after every series, Russell put the hat on.

In a related note, Oakland lost 29-6 and Russell went 12-for-33 for 128 yards. Yikes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tony Romo

He's having trouble getting in sync with his receivers. Is that shocking to you? I mean, if you were a wide receiver in the NFL, would you look at this guy and say "yeah, I'm gonna do what that guy says"?

Turn your hat around, Tony. It's 2009. It's time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carson Palmer

And everyone wonders why he's having so much trouble getting his career back on track.

Oh, Carson. I don't even have words.

And finally, the biggest problem of all...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jay Cutler

Here's the only moustache exception I'm willing to allow.

Because Jay... you've got to do something. Oh, man. I wouldn't let that guy lead me out of a paper bag.

A half-formed thought.

I like going to church because at church things make sense. Left to my own devices, I can never seem to understand any sort of structure to my life. Everything seems to happen randomly, a series of uncalculated, mostly unfortunate coincidences. But at church, I hear story after story of things not going right or things simply falling completely apart. We follow these stories with bouts of desperate prayer - and those bouts of prayer are followed with oddly coincidental, near-miraculous turnabouts. And then suddenly the whole storry starts to smack of patterns and lucky breaks - "if our car hadn't died, we would've been there during the hurricane that destroyed the house," or "and if I hadn't been in the hospital, I would never have met Sarah and Allen, who just happened to be tax lawyers who could help me out."

Outside of church, you only hear those stories on the other side, and it sounds like they're making patterns out of chaos. But when you've been next to people who are truly desperate, prayed for help, and seen their stories turn out in the most unlikely way possible, you wonder how you could have not seen the pattern.

I hate the expression "when God closes a door, he opens a window," but the truth is, without church, I would never even have noticed the house.