The 23rd Best Movie I’ve Seen This Year

#23. Taken
 
I’ve been trying to figure out how to spell the word “yech.” Or maybe it’s “yelch.” “Yealch.” “Yealk.” It’s onomatopoeia, so it’s a little tricky, but it’s that word you say when you’re trying to say “yuck,” but your tongue gets involved, and so it kind of adds a lllllll sound at the back of your throat.
 
“Yulck.”  Sure. Let’s do that.
 
I bring this up because that’s the word that sprang unbidden to my lips when I decided that I should review all of the 23 movies I’ve seen this year,  starting with the bottom – and I saw that on the bottom was Taken.
 
Now, understand, this is a clear case of misplaced enthusiasm. There were certainly worse movies released this year (I fortunately avoided almost all of them), but Taken had a lot going for it. It starred a classic man’s man, Liam Neeson, a man with educated tone and ever-haunted eyes – the man who taught Bruce Wayne to fight in Batman Begins, appeared in one of the greatest duels in cinema history in Rob Roy, and made us weep like little children in Love Actually (maybe that was just me). This is a man who appeared in The Phantom Menace and yet somehow became more awesome. This is an actor of terrific power. And this is an actor wasted.

I was so certain I would like this movie that I almost didn’t realize that I didn’t. In the middle of yet another disjointed, poorly shot car chase, Claire whispered to me “hey, are you really bored?” And it suddenly hit me – I was really bored.  I was terribly bored. I was nearly asleep. I just hadn’t realized it until just that moment, because my brain just kept telling me “any second now – it’s gonna get good.”
 
All you need to understand about the movie is this: there’s a great exchange during the trailer where Neeson is on the phone with the people who took his daughter – it played in every single one of their 30-second TV spots, and it's on that poster over there on the top left. In it, Neeson promises to find and kill every one of the kidnappers. A dark voice on the other end of the line growls knowingly, “good luck,” then hangs up with a click. At this point, everyone in the theater watching the trailer is practically fist-pumping with anticipation. “Oh, it is on! Liam Neeson’s gonna kill that mother!” It looks like a classic cat-and-mouse as Neeson hunts down the thieves while the mastermind behind it all sends him down darkened alleys and into traps.
 
Instead, the guy on the other end of the phone turns out to be a fairly dumb, run-of-the-mill thug who Neeson stumbles upon midway through the film. When he dies, you’ll know you’re about two-thirds of the way through the movie.

A slight differential, yes.

The 23 Best Movies I’ve Seen in Theaters This Year (In Terms Of Box Office)

1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
2. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
3. Up
4. The Hangover
5. Star Trek
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
7. Taken
8. Inglorious Basterds
9. District 9
10. Watchmen
11. I Love You, Man
12. Zombieland
13. Funny People
14. State of Play
15. Where The Wild Things Are
16. (500)Days of Summer
17. The Informant!
18. Adventureland
19. The Invention of Lying
20. The Hurt Locker
21. Whip It
22. Away We Go
23. Taking Woodstock


The 23 Best Movies I’ve Seen In Theaters This Year (In Terms of Excellence)

1. Up
2. The Hurt Locker
3. (500) Days Of Summer
4. Inglorious Basterds
5. Away We Go
6. Star Trek
7. Zombieland
8. Where The Wild Things Are
9. Adventureland
10. District 9
11. The Hangover
12. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
13. I Love You, Man
14. State Of Play
15. The Invention Of Lying
16. Whip It
17. Watchmen
18. Taking Woodstock
19. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
20. The Informant!
21. Funny People
22. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
23. Taken

 

Worst Dwayne Johnson Trailer?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has had an interesting career. A former WWE wrestler - including a brief stretch as household name in that profession - he gracelessly transitioned into a film career, playing in quick succession  a bounty hunter, a former US soldier bent on ending corruption in his small town, a character in a movie based off a video game no one had played in 10 years, and (twice) a large half-man-half-scorpion. Not exactly a John Cazale-type run there.

However, Johnson has now reinvented himself as a family movie star. After appearing in Gridiron Gang as the tough-love coach of a juvenile detention football team, he followed it up with The Game Plan, where an arrogant, self-absorbed quarterback discovers he has a precocious 8-year-old daughter with an old girlfriend, and he must learn to get over his love of himse.... well, you get the idea. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm assuming at the end the girl comes up with a trick play involving glitter or something that wins them the Super Bowl.

It was at about this time that movie execs realized "man, The Rock will do anything." And so The Game Plan was followed by disasters like Race To Witch Mountain and now, these two movies.

I was in a theater over the weekend where these two trailers played back-to-back - it was almost too much pain for one man to humanly handle. I was gasping for air by the end.  First up is Tooth Fairy, where an arrogant, self-absorbed hockey player (guess who) is punished for his non-belief in magic by being forced to serve as a tooth fairy for a short time.

Second is Planet 51, where an arrogant, self-absorbed astronaut finds himself on an alien planet where - wait for it - wait for it - he's considered the alien.

Embedding was disabled, but here's the link.

I was gonna do a whole post about voting for the "Worst Trailer Of The Year," but then I realized that it's pretty much down to these two. So go ahead and vote: which one of these trailers is the Worst Trailer of the Year?