The 28th Best Movie I Saw This Year: Our Idiot Brother

Every year when I do this list, I hit a point where I realize the movies have moved from “movies I consider bad movies” to “movies I consider good movies.”  I’ll start writing a review, and instead of focusing on all the reasons I think it failed, I’ll focus on the reasons I liked it. We’ve crossed a line.

This is not that movie. This is the movie that is exactly on that line.

It’s entirely appropriate I watched this movie on a plane, since that seems to be the perfect medium for enjoying this film. It passed the time, and while I was not, perhaps enjoying myself, I was also not necessarily not enjoying myself. I was just watching a movie. On a plane. Like people do.

Our Idiot Brother features Paul Rudd as a pleasant, slovenly hippie whose unwavering belief in the good in humanity constantly lands him in trouble. He sells pot to a uniformed police officer simply because he asks nicely. Even after getting busted, Rudd simply tosses up his hands and moans “aw, man!” Nothing really gets his character down, other than the loss of his dog, Willie Nelson (I remember the name of the dog but no other characters, because the dog is referred to by his full name upwards of 70 times during the movie. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be funny. I know for a fact that it was exhausting). Instead, he floats along, untouched by normal human emotions. And by extension, so does this movie.

It's only after Rudd starts trying to move in with his sisters that things develop any momentum. He slouches cheerfully into their lives, and accidentally ruins all of them. Or does he? Is perhaps his innocence a mirror that simply shows the ugly reflections of what these women have allowed their lives to become?

Of course it is. And I know that, because I've seen a movie before.

There's nothing surprising here, nothing new. Everyone does a very good job at playing the roles they were handed, and all the actors in the film are likable and funny: Rudd, Zooey Deschanel, Steve Coogan, Adam Scott, Emily Mortimer, Elizabeth Banks, Rashida Jones... the list of talented performers here is remarkable. And they are not underutilized. They are merely... utilized. Exactly as you'd expect them to be.

The only times the movie shakes loose from its moorings is in what seem like mostly improvised scenes between Rudd and TJ Miller, revealing an easy comedic chemistry missing from most of the film. They made me realize what a carefree comedy-drama this film could have really been, especially considering the marvelous cast. Instead, this movie proved to be not much of anything at all. 

The 29th Best Move I Saw This Year: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

The colon situation in these blog titles is really getting out of hand. 

Whenever the latest movie in a film franchise comes out, it’s automatic that at some point in one of the ads, some movie reviewer quote-lackey will exclaim “It’s the best Pirates/Mission Impossible/Indy/Rocky yet!” I know for a fact several of these ads existed for this movie, I saw them everywhere. I just spent a good half-hour scouring the internet for one from this film without success, so you’ll have to take my word for it. But if you ever went near a television this last May, you must have seen them too.

I was obsessed with finding one of these because these are ads that mean simply nothing. While finding someone willing to say that the newest version of the franchise is the best ever may convince some people, it’s usually those people who weren’t going to see the movie anyway. After I saw the movie, a number of people who hadn’t seen it said to me, “I heard it’s pretty good!” No, you didn’t, I thought. You just turned on your television.  

On Stranger Tides is not “the best Pirates yet.” It’s not “arguably the best Pirates yet.” It’s not even “possibly the best Pirates yet.” It’s an overweight, poorly-realized mess, just like the movie before it was, and just the opposite of the fresh, carefree original. It’s not a movie. It’s just another piece in an increasingly wobbly franchise.

I’m going to propose something that is going to shock you Orlando Bloom haters to your core: this is a film that desperately misses having Bloom as its hero and central focus. There, I said it. 

I know, I know. You hate Orlando Bloom. You find him effeminate, wooden, and unremarkable. You may not be wrong. But whatever your opinion of Bloom, the fact remains that the character he embodied, Will Turner, was precisely the sort of chap an adventure movie needs. He’s brave, inexperienced, motivated, in love with an unattainable girl, and wildly out of his depths in the world he’s jumping into. There to guide him is Jack Sparrow – wily, mysterious, untrustworthy, everything you hope to find as a partner in a tall tale. Together they swash and buckle and do deeds of derring-do, and at the end the boy and the girl are reunited and his sly partner has managed to sneak out a bit of treasure for himself. Roll titles.

The filmmakers saw how well this worked the first time around and followed that up with a series of films that turned abruptly away from this concept. They recognized that the runaway success of the first film had made Jack Sparrow a huge icon (correct) and that they needed to have even more of him in the next movies (right again). So they dial back the importance of the other characters (wrong) and move Jack Sparrow to the center of the film (wronger still). Then they develop romantic tensions between Will’s love, Elizabeth Swan, and Jack Sparrow (probably wrong), but leave those tensions unresolved at the close of the trilogy (idiotic). And suddenly we have a franchise so disoriented that Johnny Depp is telling stories about how he and the director had conversations that went something like “I don’t understand it either, but let’s just shoot it.” And this is on the set of the final film in the “trilogy,” At World’s End, which is the most expensive film ever made. This is not the mark of a franchise sure of its standing.

On Stranger Tides tries to fix some of the ways its predecessors went off the tracks. It gives us a new, pure-hearted hero, a missionary (a fairly forgettable Sam Claflin) and a love interest for him, a mermaid (French actress Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, frail and impossibly lovely). There’s also a new love interest for Jack: an old flame (Penélope Cruz), as well as a new villain, Blackbeard (Ian McShane). Everything’s all set for a fresh start, right?

Of course not. That would mean that we’d learned something.

The storyline between the missionary and the mermaid is shunted to the side, and the two never really interact with the main characters, meaning that the movie added two new characters yet never used them for the purpose they were most needed: providing balance for Jack Sparrow. Instead, they’re just added weight. And, once again, Sparrow is placed in the center of the film, making all his untrustworthiness and general silliness frustrating rather than endearing.

While the notion that Penelope Cruz could be Ian McShane’s daughter is an amusing one, there’s not much to their story to draw in the viewer. Instead, we’re left watching the film lurch along on all the familiar action-movie beats until finally dragging to a halt in a runtime mercifully much shorter than its predecessor. And I’m left with the strange and altogether unwelcome feeling of missing Orlando Bloom.

I'm gonna go Redbox the first movie right now. All this disappointment has made me miss it terribly.

The 30th Best Move I Saw This Year: Green Lantern

Or rather:

In Defense of Rooney Mara

 

There was a minor internet scuffle last week about Rooney Mara’s comments on past roles – particularly her one-episode guest spot in “Law & Order: SVU” and the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street.

You may recall a similar kerfuffle last year when Shia LeBeouf took shots at both Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He apologized that the Transformers franchise had lost his heart, and that Indiana Jones wasn’t any good either. He was roasted alive by the internet, and in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Steven Spielberg, the normally straightforward director said only “I’m not going to go there” when asked about the comments, as if the subject was much too painful to touch.    

What’s most interesting to me about these two events is how innocuous these comments actually are. In regards to Nightmare, Mara had only stated that, worried about the quality of the project, she’d sort of tried to sabotage her own audition by not giving it her all, and calling her "SVU" episode "ridiculous". After receiving some criticism, she later cleaned up her comments on “SVU” (supposedly she was calling humanity ridiculous as opposed to the episode’s storyline). LeBeouf’s comments are even more toothless – he was promising those disappointed with the second Transformers movie that the third one would be much better, and apologized for not performing better in Indiana Jones. His quote is “the actor's job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn't do it. So that's my fault. Simple." Not much in the way of vitriol there.

I bring this up because there’s an unwritten rule in the film industry that the actor must constantly and unequivocally give their support to any film in which they appear. Depending on what these actors signed, it may in fact be a written one: most stars are contractually obligated to appear in promotion of the films they produced. Some actors are so good at this that their enthusiastic promotion becomes part of the decision to cast them (Tom Hanks, Will Smith), while other times an actor’s distaste for this process is so strong it becomes impossible for the audience to not pick it up (Harrison Ford being the best example). But that’s not what this is.

If Mara or LaBeaouf had said these things prior to their movie’s release, or in the weeks immediately following, there could be an argument that their comments affected the movie’s financial picture. But years after the fact, what damage could these comments possibly do?

If you read any of the angry posts about these two, you’ll find that most people’s thoughts seemed to run along the following lines: “you’re a famous actor, it’s a life millions of people want, why slam these jobs that so many people would do almost anything to have?” I understand that viewpoint. But I think the reason for their anger runs deeper than that.

Look, all of the movies we’ve discussed so far have been terrible. The comments Mara and LaBeouf said were perhaps the kindest things ever said about these movies. Indiana Jones was a terrible movie well before poor Shia ever appears on screen (the fridge scene locked that up), Transformers 2 was godawful even by the minimal standards we hold Michael Bay to, and horror fans hold this Nightmare remake roughly on the same level most people hold Pol Pot. So, so what if Rooney Mara thinks an episode of television where she played a skinny girl who killed fat people for being overweight is ridiculous? It is ridiculous. She’d be crazy not to think so.

What’s more, we eviscerate actors for appearing in these movies, in fact, we hold them personally responsible for their lack of quality. We call them sellouts and accuse them of mailing in performances or just showing up for the paycheck. When these movies fail, we blame the box office performance on the actors (“no one wanted to see them in this”). When a few of their movies fail in a row, we insist that these failings are the fault of the actors, and many an actor suddenly finds his or herself unemployed for reasons having very little to do with their talent and effort. It is a vicious business, and no one has ever had much sympathy for the famous.

Why don’t we value honesty from the actors that play these roles? A director can look back and admit his failings, a producer can talk about swings and misses, a movie studio can admit where they’ve dropped the ball. This week NBC’s entertainment chairman, Bob Greenblatt, admitted at the TCA that they’d had a bad fall, and he was praised to the skies for his honesty. But if Maria Bello were to take a shot at ‘Prime Suspect’ this spring, they’d hang her from a billboard.

You have to wait until the end of a distinguished career before you’re allowed to take shots, at which point it becomes charming. This is part of why we love Michael Caine so much.

Why did I bring this up instead of talking about Green Lantern? Well, mostly because Green Lantern isn’t very interesting to talk about. But also because the fact that it isn’t very interesting has little to do with Ryan Reynolds or Blake Lively.

I’ll defend those two and ignore the other actors in the film, since the two leads seemed to be the ones who shouldered all the blame, despite the fact that Mark Strong gave easily the weakest performance of his career. Peter Sarsgaard was also given a pass, since he’s Peter Sarsgaard and everyone loves him (that list includes me, so I have no trouble giving him a pass as well).

I don’t have the energy to get into all the reasons that people hate Blake Lively, but she falls into that category of lovely but moderately talented actresses that women seem to despise. In terms of talent, is the line between her and Sandra Bullock really all that wide? But Bullock is adored and admired and has an Oscar because of it, and Blake Lively has every piece of her life assumed to be a staged fame-grab, and also gets no credit for being actually pretty good in this terrible action movie.

Ryan Reynolds is a more interesting case. The argument about why Green Lantern failed seemed to whittle down to, “well, Ryan Reynolds isn’t actually a movie star”. As if that would matter. Movies franchises make stars, and not the other way around. No one has ever said, “let’s go see that new Tobey MacGuire/Daniel Radcliffe/Sam Worthington/Hayden Christensen movie,” yet somehow Spider-Man, Harry Potter, Avatar, and Star Wars managed to do just fine. Alice In Wonderland grossed over a billion dollars worldwide (ninth all time, by the way) without anyone ever feeling the need to crown Mia Wasikowska the new queen of Hollywood. In fact, I had to go look up how to spell her name just now, something I rarely have to do with Angelina Jolie.

Movies have buzz. People like the trailers, like the TV ads, hear good things about something, and go see the movies. The fact that John Carter will almost certainly bomb at the box office in a couple months doesn’t mean that Taylor Kitsch can’t ever be a movie star, it just means that no one wants to see an actor they barely know in some horrific-looking Star Wars/Waterworld thing. The public is smarter than movie studios think. We can spot a bad movie, Twilight excepted.

I, for one, eagerly await the next Ryan Reynolds movie*. He’s a fun actor and he doesn’t have to be a movie star for me to enjoy him. He just needs to be in a good movie.

Maybe when he is, he can admit that Green Lantern was pretty terrible. I won’t hold it against him.

 *wait, his next movie is Safe House. Never mind.

The 31st Best Movie I Saw This Year: Battle: Los Angeles

I knew I was in trouble with Battle: Los Angeles  from the outset.

The movie opens with our reluctant hero (Aaron Eckhart), the grizzled war veteran haunted by his past, having a meeting with a higher-up assigning him to a new spot behind a desk somewhere. Eckhart is reluctant, of course. He wants to be in the thick of battle, helping the cause. That ambush wasn’t his fault, dammit! But the officer’s hands are tied. “We all wish your men could’ve made it home, sergeant,” he says understandingly, the line so jarringly stilted that giggles sweep through the audience.

For the next five minutes, we meet the rest of Eckhart’s new team, a collection of stock characters so obvious that I was whispering predictions of their defining characteristic aloud as they appeared on screen. “That guy’s about to get married.” “That guy’s his best friend – and also his fiancé’s brother.” “That guy’s a desperate virgin.” “That guy’s one day away from retiring.” “That guy has lots of book knowledge but no fight experience. He’s gonna be the new commander.” “That guy’s wife is pregnant.” Not only was I never wrong, there was never a question that I would be. I could see this movie coming from a mile away.

 

The rest of the film is war movie gibberish, filled with jittery handheld camerawork and shouted military nonsense (“We are at Threat Con Delta! Move move move move move!”). When the aliens come (because of course it’s aliens), we spend the appropriate amount of time debating whether these are really aliens, where they come from, etc. There’s the obligatory shot of news reporters standing on the scene, getting footage of the alien ships landing, before they’re all killed and the signal disappears into static. And then the battle for Los Angeles is on. 

The advantage of all the frenetic camerawork is that its harder to spot plot holes, and yet there’s still plot holes aplenty: If you’ve come to earth to steal the water from the ocean, why would you land in the water immediately outside of LA? Why not somewhere in the middle of the gigantic Pacific ocean surrounding it? And if you’ve mastered space travel, why would the Air Force give you so much trouble? And especially, this logic: “we need to sneak up on them so they don’t see us.” “No problem. Let’s just all get on this bus. They won’t see a bus coming towards them.” The one that killed me was the way they chose to solve the classic “our soldiers are pouring ammunition into these aliens, but they won’t die!” They ended up autopsying an alien they find and discover that its heart is on “the other side of its chest.” Of course! Problem solved, guys.

By the time the film had descended into supposedly heroic one-liners (“We’ve already had our breakfast,” “I need you to be my little Marine”) it had already killed off most of its stock characters (oh, don’t write a letter to your wife and hand it to someone! Have you learned nothing from movies?). Not that it mattered, seeing as I never learned anyone’s name, including the main character’s. But then, why bother? The movie was never going to take itself seriously enough to try and make them actual people, anyway. Other than the fact that most of the characters die, the whole thing feels like a military recruitment video anyway, though mercifully without that Three Doors Down song. It’s all jingoism and no heart.

The 25 Best TV Episodes I Saw This Year (#17)

How I Met Your Mother - Bad News

When I first started this list (which began as a Top Ten list, naturally, before swelling to include other shows I felt I couldn’t leave out), it seemed that HIMYM was going to be left out in the cold entirely. The show had been in a narrative slump for so long that I seemed unlikely I’d find an episode strong enough to make the list. And then I remembered the multi-episode stretch at the end of last season where Marshall dealt with his father’s death, and I relented. 

The episode was helped (immeasurably) by Neil Patrick Harris playing an extra role: that of his German obstetrician doppelganger, the doctor helping Marshall and Lily with their infertility issues (the sight of Barney with a  beard and a German accent is irresistible). But it also featured Ted in his strongest role – encouraging supporter, as opposed to douchy lead (lotta douche-Ted the past few years). 

More memorably, this episode was framed by an intriguing (if distracting) visual metaphor. The show started with the number 50 visibly displayed on a pamphlet on the desk of the doctor’s office the show’s opening scene started in. As the show moved along, numbers appeared throughout the episode in various creative locations (i.e., an ad for 45¢ wings, Ted holding a book that said “The 40 Greatest Buildings In America”, the lotto numbers appearing on TV screens behind Robin), always counting inexorably down to zero. 

By the time the countdown finished, I was keyed up to see what exactly the big reveal would be. Since the episode was focused on Marshall and Lily’s infertility problems, all signs seemed to point to a big pronouncement one way or another. But instead, the show pulls the rug – Lily arrives at the bar to tell Marshall his father’s gone. As Jason Segel falls weeping into his wife’s arms, his repeated pronouncement – “I’m not ready, I’m not ready” – left me abruptly misty. Segel proved surprisingly up to the acting challenge that followed, his most interesting balance of humor and drama since Nick Andopolis.

HIMYM, it seems, hasn’t lost its fastball, its just forgotten how best to use it – see the mess that was all of the Jennifer Morrison episodes from last year, or the more recent, insulting rug pull that was Robin’s revelation that the children she was relating her story to in voiceover existed only in her head. A dose of reality is necessary in a good sitcom, but HIMYM shouldn’t forget we’re also here to watch Barney put on a beard to try to pass himself off as a German doctor, too.

I could not find anything to embed for this episode, so instead, let's go back to HIMYM's heyday. Let's go the mall, everybody!