This Week's Sign that the Apocalypse Is On Us.

This piece of news is so incredible that I'll need to lead up to it with a bit of history.

During the filming of 1959's Plan 9 From Outer Space, director Ed Wood - generally considered (okay, unanimously considered) to be the worst director in the history of film - lost his main actor, Bela Lugosi early on in shooting due to his untimely death. Not to be dissuaded, Wood wrote a script around the footage he had already shot and finished the film with his wife's chiropracter, Tom Mason, in the role, a man considerably taller than Lugosi. Mason acted the entire film with a cape over his face.

This is generally considered the low point in film history. We may have to reconsider.

During the filming of 2007's Postal, director Uwe Boll - generally considered (okay, unanimously considered) to be the worst director alive today - announced recently that he's decided to fight the harsh criticism that his films have quite appropriately received.* Well, he's not actually going to fight the criticism. He's going to fight the critics.

He's invited his five worst critics to fly out to the location of where he's shooting his latest atrocity, Postal,** where he has volunteered to put them up in a hotel for a night, and then they are welcome to climb into a boxing ring with him and actually box him.

I guess he's finally answered his critics.

* His latest, Bloodrayne, was so mind-blowingly bombastically terrible that Imdb's only user comment simply says: "Man, this movie blows."
** Starring - get this - Gary Coleman.

Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Cameras From Friends

A friend of mine sold me a complete dud of a digital camera. It's a Canon Powershot A70 which I purchased from him for about $45, which is fifteen bucks more expensive than Ebay. But he was offering it, and I wanted a digital camera.

Let's pretend, for a moment, that you were the one who bought the camera. You're anxious to try it out, but when you turn it on, the screen is completely black. You might think that this is just the screen malfunctioning, but when you take a picture in this mode, you discover that your image looks like this:

*

Now, just as your seller (who will never be invited to your wedding or the bar mitzvahs of your children) explained to you, you hit your camera on the side. The screen gives you a couple different views of purple lines across a black screen, like so:

As you continue to pound the camera, you get your very own private and extremely frustrating performance of "Fantasia 2000." After seven or eight pounds, the camera turns off. You turn it back on and give it another try. A few pounds later, the screen shuts off off again.

Anywhere from seven to ten minutes later, a vague, purple-ish image appears on your screen. You excitedly snap a picture.

Not so good. You keep pounding. The screen switches back to black, to purple lines again, then back to the purple-lined image. Then it switches off again. You think you're back to square one, but you soon learn that - you're not! You're actually even further away! The camera begins to shut off every three or four pounds at this point.

Suddenly, though, the screen snaps into focus. A few short seconds later, you've taken your first real photograph.

**

Naturally, of course, whatever big event you were prepping the camera for documenting has long since past. So you're left to take pictures of whoever happens to be around, which is usually no one, because nobody hangs out with a guy pounding a camera for more than five minutes.

Therefore I'm launching a photo gallery called Pictures In And Around The Room. I'll post some up tomorrow sometime. It's a whole different school of photography: the ease of use of digital cameras with the set-up time of a 1920's film camera, except without hand-loading flash powder. Though I'm not opposed to it.

*Ah, a visual aid for those of us who can't imagine what a perfectly black rectangle looks like! Let it never be said that I don't have faith in my readers.
** Those two photos are at least 15 minutes apart. I can't tell the difference either.

YouTube Hall of Fame

I discovered these from Bill Simmon's, the Boston fan/sportswriter who leads a pack of truly excellent journalists on ESPN.com's Page Two. He wrote an article entitled "The YouTube Hall of Fame," and I've stripped out some of the best ones for your perusal. Some of them are amazing.
I should spend more time on YouTube. It's truly amazing the way people can find the time to dig up these insanely obscure clips from the past, digitize them, and put them up for all the world to see. I don't know who these people are, or if they're as weird as I imagine them to be (I suspect so). But no matter. Tonight, I salute them. Your efforts are not in vain.

Anyway, here's my top ten from the clips on the article. In order.

10. "Grand Theft Submarine"
Adam Corolla - who, if he's not the least talented person on television, is awfully close - goes into a long diatribe on a movie idea that he's come up with off the top of his head. Simmons notes that he does this quite often, and since he has no long-term memory, usually recycles these ideas 7 or 8 times over the course of a month or two. Wow. They give this guy shows. Multiple shows.
Some bright-eyed cynical animator decided to animate one of his movie ideas into a pretty convincing animated pitch for a film. This film has been made before. If this were 1988, this film would be being made now, and would probably star Jean-Claude Van Damme and Lea Thompson. Think about that.

9. Van Damme on the Dance Floor
Speaking of which, remember that brief period of time between "Dirty Dancing" and, um, common sense in which brief dance segments were added to films to up the fanbase?This is the dark, moldy underside of that movement. Stick around to about the one-minute mark on this clip. That's when the splits start coming.

8. Namath-Kolber I
I feel bad putting this up, not because it's not funny (it is), but because I feel that Namath probably put in a few too many years for the Jets, took a few too many sacks, got a few too many concussions, and now awkwardly hits on vaguelly attractive female reporters while being interviewed on national television, and what right have I to laugh at him? I imagine that by the time I'm 30, Aikman and Young will be pulling similar stunts on the sideline of important playoff games and mortifying their fanbase. Or, more appallingly, a slow-witted Brady trying to get some action while the Patriots play in Super Bowl LV. I'm feeling sick about this.
Though, honestly, it's pretty great when she throws it back to the booth and the announcers try to play it off with one of those "Oh, that's just Joe" comments. You've gotta be professional to pull that one out with a straight face.

7. Mike Tyson Post-Fight Interview
This is the one where he reveals his plan to eat Lennox Lewis' children. I'd forgotten how wildly insane Tyson was. He's really from a different planet, isn't he?

6. "Whatzupwitu"
There was a time when Eddie Murphy was huge, huge. There was a time when Michael Jackson was even huger. And they made a video together.
It's like watching the entire Holy Roman Empire crumble in under five minutes, counting download time.

5. Bill Shatner & Rocket Man
I'd only seen Family Guy take-off on this (which I couldn't find online). I'd had no idea that it was based on reality. I had no idea that awards shows could get this out of control. I had no idea that William Shatner was more out of touch than, say, if Mike Tyson had been raised by aliens (though I vaguelly suspected it).
It's like a dream come true for all that is unholy in this world. Remember folks: he's in dead earnest here. This is like watching R. Kelly's dramatic one-man interpretations, only ten times better.

4. Carl Lewis "Break It Up"
Carl Lewis - yes, that Carl Lewis - wrote a song and made a music video out of it. I've always held the view that the 80's were a dark period in our history, something that should be erased from the books and from our musical memories. Every other nation in the world is willing to rewrite history in order to forget the atrocities of the past, but we can't even destroy this.

3. NY Jets Draft Blunders
The best part of this - by far - is the point where Commissioner Rozelle starts off "The Jets select fullback..." and doesn't get any further, because from the back there's a piercing howl of one man going "Noooooooooooo!" I've watched this clip several times, and that moment never gets any less funny. Other highlights include a freaked-out Mel Kiper, as stunned as every fan in the auditorium, going "The Jets just do not get what the draft was about." Priceless.

2. Vanilla Ice Goes Postal on MTV
This is a cool idea. Before all the snotty "Talk Soup" and "Best Week Ever" shows that they have now, MTV gathered some legitimately funny stars: Jon Stewart, Chris Kattan, Janeane Garafalo, and Dennis Leary, and sat them down to make fun of the most terrible and overplayed music videos together, then destroy them. This comes to a head when they're joined by the newly punk-rock Vanilla Ice, who was to help them poke fun at "Ice, Ice Baby," then destroy the tape.
Everyone was unsuprisingly too scared to poke fun at a video while watching it with the artist there, but it got great as the video went on. Instead of destroying the video, Vanilla Ice destroys the studio, wreaking havoc on the set. The crowning moment is him charging with a bat towards an end table, while a terrified Kattan screams "Vanilla, no!" It's like Christmas.

1. Journey -- "Separate Ways"
Everything that's beautiful about the 80's - over the top lip-synching, air guitar, weird cinematography, bewildering choreography, and the complete ruination of a band's best song by a video that tazers one with its awfulness. Did I mention the heavy slow motion?
There's a reason this beat out Carl Lewis and Vanilla Ice, and that is this: lead singer Steve Perry, sleeveless but by no means buff, launches into this video with a performance Simmons called "one of the greatest performances of the last 35 years -- he throws himself into this thing like DeNiro or Pacino." Anthony Michael Hall couldn't have given a more fitting 80's performance than this. This is the apex of the decade.

There's Hope Left On Those Airwaves.

I heard Finger Eleven's "so-last-year" hit "One Thing" on the radio the other day, and it occurred to me that, while it's not a bad song at all, it says a lot about the state of radio today. Because everyone who hears that song knows ten songs just like it, in a very similar style, by all kinds of artists, which are much better than "One Thing." To make things worth, this was followed up immediately by the latest Paris Hilton single (from a debut album subtly title Paris).

Take me now, Lord. My cup overfloweth.

Most people who know me have heard me rant about radio, Clear Channel, the Telecommunications Act of 1996, and the vibe-killing actions of The Man. But it's summer, it's time to drive around with the windows down, blaring your AM/FM radio (and cassette player) and blowing out your factory speakers. So here's good news about the radio to brighten your summer:

1. Those of you who caught my bit on John Mayer and Keane last week should know that both artists have singles out on the radio, and both seem to be at least marginally following my advice. All the guitar I've heard so far on Keane's recently-released Under The Iron Sea album is positively incidiary, and while Mayer's announced his new album is "a little John Mayer Trio-ish," that first song, "Waiting on the World to Change," is just brilliant.
2. Thanks to Shakira, "Hollaback Girl" is no longer the most played single in American radio history. Thank you, Shakira. As a sign of our gratitude, you can have Texas.
3. And while Sufjan has yet to hit mainstream radio, a song about Sufjan has arrived, as Snow Patrol's newest single, Hands Open, talks about driving around and playing "Chicago," which isn't a bad idea.
4. While we're at it - the radio's playing new Snow Patrol, which is another thing to look forward to. They're also playing O.A.R., which I never expected to happen.
5. Chad Kroeger was arrested for drunk driving in Canada, which might, maybe, just maybe, decrease Nickelback's air time on national radio. As a sign of our gratitude, Canada can have Texas if Shakira doesn't want it.
6. Bow Wow has decided to retire from the rap game (when did he start?). I'm assuming, offhand, that he's doing this in order to focus on his acting, which just go a huge boost in "Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift." At least, I'll assume it did. I'd rather not see it just to check.
7. In a response to having an American Idol hit the top 20 with a karaoke cover of "Wanted Dead or Alive," John Bon Jovi has released yet another single into Top 40 radio. I haven't heard it yet, but I'm going to bet it's gonna sound a good deal like "Wanted Dead or Alive," only with a female vocalist accompaniment. Any takers? Didn't think so.

Sure, the list's a little thin, but hold on as best you can. The Fray and Panic! At the Disco are climbing the charts. Guster has a new album out. There's hope left.

And whenever that runs out, there's always Sirius.

Indie Cred

Want to prove your indie credentials (or lack of them) to your snobby friends? You're probably not indie if you do tests like this. But onward!

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I am a mix taper!

You're really enthusiastic about the music that you like. You attempt to discover your new favourite band every week. You continually try to get your friends into the music you like, which annoys the #&%$ out of them, but you don't know it. Hey, at least you're not arrogant about it.